Bad internets dates, brother chaperones

Snafu

The Anal Seekers

"A gripping study of forbidden sex."

Saw this in the window of a rare book store, next to first editions of Alice in Wonderland and Moby Dick. The latter is a better pairing, I'm sure. Although, they both have their own connotations, I guess:

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Here's a beauty of a tune. It's called “Dama Dam Mast Qalandar”. I guess Alice in Wonderland made me post it.

For this next tale, I will relate a stomach cringing first date. It was an Internet date many, many moons ago. I guess before it was popular. I figured, “fuck it, why not?” and set out to meet the lady. It was 4pm on Broadway
and Waverly Place that the awkward began. First off, she barely resembled her picture – shocker, I know. She was at least 65lbs heavier than I was expecting or prepared to get involved with. She had a certain look that involved dreadlocks and raver-flared jeans with buckles down the leg. She had on Oakley sunglasses! Was her hairline receding? It was a nightmare.

Secondly, and even more uncomfortably than her unexpected appearance, she had brought her younger brother along – apparently as muscle against Internet perverts. I’m not sure if I fall into that category or not. Here's where I'm still left to this day wondering why I didn't continue walking and pretend I didn't see her or act like I wasn’t who she thought I was. Perhaps I thought, “maybe she is horrible looking, but perhaps this same woman is amazingly interesting and has brilliant things to say about everything?”

She didn't have a thing to say about anything. And what the fuck was her brother doing following us along? I dipped into a bar, to grab a drink to help the whole situation, but the bars weren't even open yet. I had to stall for almost an hour before a libation could be achieved and the date could feel officially official and make me feel like at least I tried. Finally, door opened. Beer downed.

Shit. Ok. Well, date's over. I told her I must be departing. Her brother left. Apparently I was '’safe’' enough. She said she was heading my way. Shit. Riding the train together. Horrible Uncomfortable. Union square was her stop. Strange pause as the doors opened. Did she want a kiss goodnight? Horrible! No, a small hug goodbye was the prescription, but still as I moved out from the tiny hug, she lingered. Crap! Her plan was to miss her stop and have to ride with me longer on the train! What to do?! In those milliseconds that passed between the tiny hug and my retraction from it, I realized the course of action and in one fluid motion I ushered her off the train with my “affection” hand that was on her back from the hug. With my light guidance, and gently forceful directing she made it out of the train just as the doors closed behind her.

Yes, I kind of pushed a girl out of a train, but if I hadn't who knows what terrible things could have happened.

I then took the train to my friend's house and curled up on the couch with a mean, nerve-induced stomachache. Horrible, horrible date concluded. End.

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