January's Most Average Moments

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We at Impose(real) have been struggling to find the words to describe why January was such a terrible monster. While the snore-inducing Super Bowl and the untimely death of Philip Seymour Hoffman fell squarely within the month of February, these events only seemed like the latent hangover of 2014's beginning, the carryover from a month of terrifying false starts and slipups. The weather, the awards shows, the celebrities acting like babies, there was no shortage of unreal nonsense that went down in Janvier, and we're not having any of it. We were robbed. Where is our magnificently dressed white rapper to give us an apology?

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Burial posts a selfie

After years of speculation over who Burial really is (we are still convinced it might be this guy), the enigmatic producer posted a selfie and long note to his fans on Hyperdub on the last day of January. As if to give a greater weight to the already overdone medium, the Burial selfie phenomenon wasn't actually that surprising, mostly just—okay. Here's Burial. There he is. With a face. Anyone know when the Super Bowl starts?

OutKast to reunite at 40 festivals because who doesn't love a good festival?

After the Tupac hologram of 2012, one would think that any future proposed reunions or reanimations would just head toward the hologram department, the one in that rusty shed out behind the Universal lot in Culver City. But some artists (maybe too many) are cashing in on the undermilked teet of the bursting festival industry, and our favorite ATLiens aren't backing down. The duo announced their reunion in the form of 40 festival dates, one hundred percent of which we will not be attending. Have you guys ever been to a festival?

Pharrell's Hat

The Grammy's blessed the Twitterverse with plenty of controversy, mostly surrounding Macklemore douchery, but it all felt eclipsed by the mounty-esque girth of Pharrell's hat. It was a meme bonanza of the Arby's logo, the Man in Yellow, Smokey the Bear, Woody from Toy Story, Sargent Slaughter, and the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter. A few even managed to recognize it from Malcolm McLaren's 1982 music video "Buffalo Gals".

But what no one seemed to notice is the infamous hat is clearly there to distract us from the glaring fact that Pharrell is finally aging, sorta. He totally looks 29 and doesn't want us to know it.

Macklemore robs rapper, is 9/11 truther

This may be the first time that prodigious "rapper" Macklemore has graced the pages of Impose, but let's hope it's the last. The white bro from Seattle whose coiff is like a watery sherbet in a flesh-toned bowl won a Grammy (which, neither here nor there), and then apologized for winning a Grammy (which, whatever). The most exciting part of all this is the revelation that Macklemore is a straight-up 9/11 truther! That's the news we are looking for, guys!

Kendrick Lamar respects Macklemore

Last we checked Kendrick Lamar didn't name drop Macklemore in his controversial, industry-ethering "Control" verse. Yet, when asked for his commentary on Macklemore beating him out for Best New Artist, Best Rap Performance, Best Rap Song, and Best Rap Album, Kendrick respectfully offered "it's well deserved".

It was just one of many reasons why the real losers at the Grammys will always be people who pay attention to the Grammys.

Trent Reznor narrates your online streaming experience

"Life would be infused with magic," Trent Reznor calmly expresses over a short YouTube clip, animations swirling to make faces, hands, hearts, and strips of hardware boards that turn into phones. As the latest endorser of Beats Music, the streaming platform subsidiary of Beats by Dre, Reznor attempts to bring hyperbolic life and humanity to the system. He is also making money.

EDM Elliott Smith

"In 1998, Elliott recorded some a-cappella vocals for me, specifically to sample and slice-and-dice over beats. They sat on a cassette for 16 years. I just dug it out and completed our collaboration. To be totally clear–this kind of track is exactly what he and I intended to make." – Mike Doughty.

To be clear, Mr. Doughty you are a horrible man for thinking Elliott Smith's legacy needed this.

Black Flag "apoogizes" for shitty album

While Poop Cruise 2 inched its way to the New Jersey shores, Black Flag had some shit they also wanted to get off their chest. Feeling sorry about the garbage album they released, the hilariously titled What the…, Black Flag fired former frontman Ron Reyes and took in pro skateboarder Mike Vallely instead. Reunion drama aside, the most amazing detail of the Black Flag story is Pitchfork's misspelled tweet regarding the subject. Though deleted now, the tweet initially read "Black Flag appoint new vocalist: Mike Vallely, pro skateboarder. They also apoogize for how shitty last year was." #Neverforget

@pitchforkmedia May we always remember. #apoogize

— zach shogren (@DeathByMidwest) January 30, 2014

285 Kent gets 285 unnecessary eulogies

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