Stop right there. I know what you're going to say. I know the Academy Awards are almost never representative of what's good about movies. I know that they are boring and irrelevant. I know that they are the heartiest pat-on-the-back the Hollywood can give itself. I know that the ceremony is seven hours of montages brought to you by a creepy animatronic Billy Crystal. I know.
But did you know that, by bringing all this up, you're being even more unbearably smug than the squintiest Oscars host ever, James Franco? Come on.
Look at it this way: the Oscars are in trouble. Viewership is lower every year, ostensibly due to a widening class divide, and an increasing isolation of the “liberal elite”. The plot to bring in younger viewers last year didn't work, so they're sticking with what they know best. They're not changing, and they're not going anywhere, so we might as well learn to love them.
Here's breakdown of the nominations for the 84th annual Academy Awards, which will be on teevee February 26th. We've also included picks, in case you've got money riding on it. And why wouldn't you? Let's make this interesting.
THE BIGGIES
BEST PICTURE
The Artist
In the rich tradition of The Jazz Singer and Birth Of a Nation, here's another black and white movie with a handsome man probably being super racist or whatever.
The Descendants
The director of Sideways made another movie about bourgeois ennui, but instead of having to look at Paul Giamatti for two hours, we get Clooney, which seems like a good business move.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
From the celebrated novel that 30 year-old white ladies love to read on the subway about a real cool autistic preteen who thinks nine-eleven was an inside job.
The Help
Probably the most popular movie with a poop-eating scene ever made.
Moneyball
The most beloved movie that nobody cared about.
Hugo
Three dimensional Sir Ben Kingsley getting all up in your grill.
Midnight In Paris
A cute movie for people who love to see something they recognize on a screen. What is it doing on this list?
The Tree Of Life
This movie had its problems, but the fact is that it had way more dinosaurs than any other Best Picture nominee.
War Horse
Does the horse talk? Cuz if the horse doesn't talk, what's the point?
What should win: The Tree Of Life, because dinosaurs, duh. What will win: Midnight In Paris, because Woody Allen is not looking so hot these days.
BEST DIRECTOR
Michael Hazanavicius, The Artist
On a list of old dudes, it's cool to see this new guy with a weird, hard-to-pronounce name. He is wearing stylish eyewear in his IMDb photo, which is always a plus.
Alexander Payne, The Descendants
The man who got annoying college kids everywhere saying the words “pinot noir.” Yuck.
Martin Scorsese, Hugo
Who knew a pair of eyebrows could direct such crowd-pleasing films?
Woody Allen, Midnight In Paris
He's made a bunch of lousy movies and he married his stepdaughter, but somehow he's still untouchable.
Terrence Malick, The Tree Of Life
This guy can remain relevant by not doing anything for years, then coming out with a movie about little kids running up and down a street. Awesome.
Who should win: Terrence Malick, because he is good. Who will win: Woody Allen, because he is old.
BEST ACTOR
Demian Bichir, A Better Life
Pretty sure this person and this movie are made up.
George Clooney, The Descendants
He had a pet pig that would sleep in his bed with him! He is just the greatest.
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Oh geez, google image this handsome fucker now.
Gary Oldman, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
There is absolutely nothing bad you can say about Gary Oldman.
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Probably the most beautiful person to ever do a bunch of funny voices.
Who should win: Gary Oldman, because Gary Oldman.
Who will win: Gary Oldman, because see above.
BEST ACTRESS
Glenn Close, Albert Nobbs
Glenn Close is completely unavoidable. It seems like she's just in everything, and it's hard to tell what's good. In this sense, she's kind of like the boring-er lady version of Nic Cage.
Viola Davis, The Help
Seriously, some of The Academy's best friends are black.
Rooney Mara, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Could any of our middle school-aged selves have predicted that someone would be up for an Oscar for playing a hacker with four facial piercings in two thousand and fucking twelve?
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
At this point, Meryl Streep is pretty much just like “let's see what else I can totally own.”
Michelle Williams, My Week With Marilyn
Just because you're pretty doesn't mean you can draw a dot on your face and call yourself Marilyn Monroe. Sorry.
Who should win: Meryl Streep. Nuff said.
Who will win: Meryl Streep. Sorry, every other actress.
THE NOT AS IMPORTANT AWARDS
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh, My Week With Marilyn
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Nick Nolte, Warrior
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Max von Sydow, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
Who should win: I honestly can't say, but I really want Jonah Hill to win, because his weight loss has made him look super freaky.
Who will win: Probably Max von Sydow, though he will never top his role in Strange Brew.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Berenice Bejo, The Artist
Jessica Chastain, The Help
Melissa McCarthy, Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer, Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Who should win: Melissa McCarthy, for delivering the greatest monologue ever about a telepathic dolphin.
Who will win: Octavia Spencer, for bringing poop-eating to the masses in a way Divine couldn't.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
The Artist
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
The Tree of Life
War Horse
What should win: The Tree of Life, for being the stoniest thing since LOTR.
What will win: Hugo, for having a 3-D Ben Kingsley.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
The Descendants
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
The only thing on this list that is brooding and New Yorker-ish enough to succeed is The Descendents.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
The Artist
Bridesmaids
Margin Call
Midnight In Paris
A Separation
Look, Bridesmaids was only nominated for a couple of things, and it was one of the best things this year. And isn't the point of The Artist that it has no talking? What's it doing here?
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
A Cat In Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Rango
Puss in Boots
Only one of these movies has Johnny Depp.
BEST DOCUMENTARY
Hell and Back Again
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Pina
Undefeated
Pina probably should win, but it'll go to something more timely like Paradise Lost. Whatever, I have nothing funny to say about this, because I'm pissed that I missed seeing all of these.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Bullhead (from Belgium)
Monsieur Lazhar (from Canada)
A Separation (from Iran)
Footnote (from Israel)
In Darkness (from Poland)
On the Academy Awards website, these nominees are listed with the country before the title, probably because they expect people to choose based on which country they hate least.
THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT OSCARS
BEST ART DIRECTION
The Artist
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Midnight In Paris
War Horse
What's Art Direction? Isn't an Art Director a person who picks what throw rugs will be in what shot? Whatever, just give it to Harry Potter.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN
Anonymous
The Artist
Hugo
Jane Eyre
W.E.
The whole thing about this category is that it always goes to whatever has the most bodices. So, y'know, probably Jane Eyre.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT
The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
God is the Bigger Elvis
Incident In New Baghdad
Saving Face
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom
These are probably the best movies that no one will ever see. Did you know that Academy members don't even have to see these? If I was in the Academy, I'd vote for God is the Bigger Elvis, because why not?
BEST EDITING
The Artist
The Descendants
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Moneyball
What is the mark of good editing? No mistakes? I can only assume that these are all edited pretty well.
BEST MAKEUP
Albert Nobbs
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
The Iron Lady
I do not want to live in a world where anything would stand a chance against Lord Voldemort.
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
The Adventures Of Tintin
The Artist
Hugo
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
War Horse
The Artist will win, because it will make all the super old white men in the Academy nostalgic for simpler, racist-er times. I really don't care, because Trent Reznor isn't on the list.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
“Man or Muppet” from The Muppets
“Real In Rio” from RIO
“Man or Muppet” has got to be the greatest name for a song of all time.
BEST ANIMATED SHORT
Dimanche/Sunday
The Fanstastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
La Luna
A Morning Stroll
Wild Life
This is the part of the ceremony where we wish there was any way in the world that we could have possibly seen these movies.
BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT
Pentecost
Raju
The Shore
Time Freak
Tuba Atlantic
See above.
BEST SOUND EDITING
Drive
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse
The most significant thing about this category is that it's the only one that includes one of the year's best movies, Drive. Totally my favorite for sound editing, too. So much better than all that other crappy sound editing.
BEST SOUND MIXING
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Moneyball
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse
I have no idea what this is, but I was still sure The Tree Of Life would be on the list. Did you hear that movie? It sounded crazy!
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Real Steel
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Hahahaha, hey guys, the rock-em-sock-em-robots movie was nominated for an Oscar! Cool.
