Speculation on why Death Grips were a no-show at Lollapalooza

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Listen, we don't claim to be insiders. If anything, given our hard-hitting coverage of fictionalized Drake liaisons and bands that feature not one but two drugs in their name, we're probably more akin to being outsiders. We're fine with it. It's who we are. But, in the case of the mysterious Death Grips no-show, coming from a band who claims a fervent punk ethos and a dedication to the grimiest of the scene, we've got a few ideas on what might have happened there—from one group of outsiders to another. As you've likely already heard, Death Grips were scheduled to play two shows in Chicago, a Lolla pre-party and then a headlining set on Saturday, both of which featured no Death Grips. Their pre-party, as reported by Reddit users, turned to undignified mayhem when fans took to the stage to destroy the band's equipment. Standard procedure, nothing to see here.

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Well, the people who represent Death Grips made a statement that the band “chose not to arrive in Chicago.” Don't be alarmed by this response—both by the response itself and the fact that DG has people that “represent them.” We know what is going on here. In the tradition of our founder's soon-to-arrive talk show, Derek Assumes, we're getting into the game of speculation on what the fuck happened with the punkest band in America. As the canceled dates begin to unravel (this time with actual notice instead of bewildering no-shows), we've got some ideas on the absence of ragerap on the stage.

• They had their periods. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

• There was a considerable lack of Cristal in the Chicagoland area, just too high above the champagne belt to cater toward their needs.

• The Lollapalooza promoters refused to put Beyoncé and Robert Pattinson on the DG guest list, citing “conflict of interest” and a potential for “teen girl riots.” This fired their ire. “No Beyoncé??” Zach Hill yelled. “I can't perform if Bey isn't there. You know that.”

• MC Ride has had a longstanding feud with festival organizer Perry Farrell over which notable Jane the song “Jane Says” is written about. Ride claims it could either be Jane Goodall or Jane Austen, leaning toward Goodall. Farrell has had to remind MC Ride dozens of times that he wrote the song, so he would know, but Ride is convinced the line “she gave a raisin to me” is about how Goodall first initiated contact with the chimps by offering them the dried fruit. Farrell could only “smh.”

• Knowing full well that their Bottom Lounge no-show would result in rioting and hoolaganism, Hill and MC Ride deliberately left shitty equipment on stage that they'd been meaning to discard, but just hadn't found the time / didn't want to rent a UHaul. Problem solved! Ultimate decimation without the cleanup crew!

• Death Grips is actually a foil for the jazz-folk duo Life Releases, and Hill had forgotten to remind MC Ride that they had a gig at Newport Folk Festival that weekend. “I totally spaced on that gig, dude!” MC Ride texted Hill before Thursday's takeoff to Chicago. “We can make it right,” Hill texted back, and the pair schlepped on to Rhode Island to play their soft-lulling folk music to the masses. When they arrived in Rhode Island, however, Hill slapped his forehead. “Oh my god, I totally goofed!! It wasn't this weekend, it was last weekend.” Another goof on both Death Grips and Life Releases part.

• They didn't feel like it. Very sleepy.

This concludes our speculation on why Death Grips didn't show up in Chicago. Tune in next time* for more assinine conclusions.

*Note: There may not be a next time.

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