Two quarterbacks put up career numbers in already Hall-of-Fame careers, while another became a joke at the expense of a defensive end. No, it didn’t involve a butt fumble, but the Jets are in a deep tailspin that Michael Vick can’t even help. And while we don’t have time to wax on about Colt McCoy, it is worth noting he beat the beloved Cowboys in his home state. We’ve reached the midway point of the NFL season, so get your narratives warmed up for playoff excitement!
The Best
New England Patriots
Seemingly in response to the Pittsburgh Steelers getting three touchdowns in 75 seconds last week, the Pats racked up three touchdowns in 57 seconds as they trounced the increasingly inept Chicago Bears. Looks like last week’s locker room tirade did little to help the ailing Bears as they were defeated 51-23, following that 31-point second quarter. Tom Brady threw for 354 yards and five TDs, three of those to Rob Gronkowski. Brady even managed to troll Da Bears faces when he posed for a photo with his wife Giselle after the game.
To make matters worse, defensive end Lamarr Houston tore his ACL on Sunday after celebrating a sack of the Pats back-up quarterback, Jimmy Garoppolo. . . while they were down 30 points. Great job.
Ben Roethlisberger
This Roethli-something guy played the afternoon game, so he got to see Tom Brady’s performance and decided to try one of his own. Big Ben chucked for 522 yards on 49 pass attempts, only missing nine of them. He also had six Touchdowns in a game the Steelers had 325 passing yeards on first downs. Ben was also not sacked once in the game.
The Steelers defeated the Colts 51-34 and it’s starting to look like we have our AFC Championship game already on lock.
Detroit Lions
With a starting time usually reserved for the functional alcoholics that like to watch Premier League, the Lions-Falcons game came straight to our televisions at 9:30am EST. Despite the early start, the Lions didn’t show up until halfway through the game as the Falcons put up a 21 point advantage.
The Lions just chipped away and even though Matthew Stafford had a horrendous game passing, he still managed to get two touchdowns—one to Golden Tate, the second to Theo Riddick—and even with a botched two-point conversion, the Lions got the ball back in time to score the winning field goal as time expired. It seems like the Lions are receiving divine intervention, which will be all the more heartbreaking when they lose in the Wildcard round of the playoffs.
The Worst
New York Jets
The faint whistling you hear is the slow burn of the cartoon-like bomb that is the Jets entire franchise waiting to blow up. Geno Smith threw three interceptions on 2-for-8 passing for, wait for it, five total yards. He was finally pulled, probably for the season, and Michael Vick was set in place for a big comeback story.
Except it wasn’t. He was marginally better than Smith, but still threw for one interception, fumbled four times, losing two of them, and was sacked four times. To complete the full game failure, the Jets defense was also pretty awful, giving up four touchdowns to Kyle Orton on 10 completed passes. The game was so bad the Jets owner had to come out and say that Rex Ryan wasn’t going to be fired, which is the first step to being fired in the NFL. But at this point that statement has been released like four or five times about Rex, so maybe he is safe? Which is the saddest part of this for any Jets fan.
Sammy Watkins
Oh Sammy. The lone blemish on the Bills rout of the Jets was Sammy Watkins’ celebrating just a little bit early en route to what would’ve been an easy touchdown. He had the touchdown within his grasp, until he didn’t. Getting snapped by the heels just yards before he crossed the goal line, Sammy made an interesting nod to the Bills past when Don Beebe saved a touchdown from Leon Lett in Superbowl XXVII. But the lasting image of a game where you have 157 receiving yards and your defense forces six turnovers shouldn’t be you being a showboat.
Zach Mettenberger
The rookie quarterback got the start for the Tennessee Titans, which is really saying something about how poorly the Titans are this year. Mettenberger looks like the stunt double for Dazed and Confused-era Matthew McConaughey and proceeded to take a number of selfies in the locker room before the game. When Mettenberger was sacked by Texans DE/human monster JJ Watt, Watt proceeded to celebrate his attack by making a mock selfie pose with Mettenberger in the background.
Bruh. Zach, you can’t even go home after that. Cut your hair, change your name, and start in the management program at Enterprise or something. An embarrassment that big on a national stage will haunt you for the rest of your life. Hang up the cleats, buddy. It’s been a nice non-career.
Fighting Impositions
The Imps went down again, due to the Seattle defense holding Cam Newton to only 6.24 points, and the Saints defense holding Jordy Nelson to 2.50. My Buffalo defense generated 16 points, while Antonio Gates mustered 17.40 and Larry Fitzgerald, who is finally showing up to games, nabbed me 22 points. My opponent had Aaron Rodgers, Randall Cobb, Alshon Jeffery and Matt Forte, so it was another perfect storm of bad games going against good games. I can’t wait for the auto-generated Yahoo summary to inch closer to using hate speech to tell me how bad I did this week.
What to watch for in Week 9
New England makes an appearance in Denver, so be prepared for all of the foaming at the mouth from the color commentary over Brady and Manning. Arizona at Dallas becomes weirdly compelling since both are six-win teams looking for some home field advantage when the playoffs come around. The Steelers host the Ravens in a divisional game on a Sunday night with two teams that legitimately dislike each other, and the Panthers try to steady themselves against the New Orleans Saints on a Thursday night.
