Reviewing the Associated Press College Football Top 25

Andy Livingston

The Associated Press released their pre-season poll for the Top 25 teams in college football. The 2013 season saw the Florida State Seminoles win the BCS championship on the back of Jameis Winston. And as predicted, they are the favorites to win again this year. But in an offseason that has seen cheating scandals, a move to unionize players, homophobia due to Michael Sam coming out, and a potpourri of assault and steroid scandals, who knows what will move the narrative needle as unpaid labor forces meet on Saturdays to entertain the teeming masses?

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Impose take an educated breakdown of all 25 of those teams.

1. Florida State

Their quarterback won the BCS Championship, became MVP of the championship game, won the Heisman trophy and spent the offseason escaping sexual assault charges because of the good ol boy network of CAWWAGE FOOBALL, and then got busted stealing crab legs from a grocery store. And F. Scott Fitzgerald said there are no second acts in America!

2. Alabama

Their fans poison trees.

3. Oregon

Because of a marketing agreement with Oregon native company, Nike, the Ducks get like thirty-five uniforms this season and all of them look like rejects from the Rollerball remake featuring the dude from American Pie.

4. Oklahoma

Once Kevin Durant leaves, this is probably all they got going for a while.

5. Ohio State

I went to Columbus once in the fall and was informed people had to not park on certain streets because there is a fear that their cars would be looted and burned due to the outcome of the game. It was an away game. But if they can get Guided By Voices to play halftime at every home game, I’ll become a fan.

6. Auburn

Like a less insufferable version of Alabama’s fans maybe?


Not to be confused with USC who reached its greatest success by paying off players while being coached by a 9/11 truther.

8. Michigan State

They get a pass for having Jemele Hill in their alumni ranks.

9. South Carolina

Pretty sure this team only exists for guys to wear white baseball caps with the word “COCKS” on them.

10. Baylor

For trying to keep Brittney Griner in the closet, I hope they lose every game.

11. Stanford

I think their mascot is a tree or something?

12. Georgia

Points for having a real life dog as a mascot.

13. LSU

Is Rust Cohle playing quarterback?

14. Wisconsin

Is Eric Forman playing quarterback? Do they use a live badger as a mascot? Cause points will be given for that.

15. USC

Who reached their greatest success by paying off players while being coached by a 9/11 truther.

16. Clemson

The non-COCKS team of South Carolina. I hope they employ the songs of In/Humanity as fight songs.

17. Notre Dame

They just lost four players due to academic fraud. Their school is a French name and their mascot is an Irishman. Get it together, Rudy.

18. Mississippi

Is this the same team as “Ole Miss”? That seems needlessly confusing.

19. Arizona State

I am guessing this teams runs on some high grade meth, so they’ll probably do really well.

20. Kansas State

Kansas State is located in Manhattan, Kansas, like they’re trying to fool you or something.

21. Texas A&M

Texas football is supposed to be the biggest thing in the world, and this is only the second Texas team in the Top 25. Can this be blamed somehow on Friday Night Lights?

22. Nebraska

There is a family that lives near my parent’s house who are huge Cornhuskers fans. All of their cars are bright red and they fly a flag with a big red N on it that you’d think was rescued from Iwo Jima it’s so large.

23. North Carolina

The AP is drunk, this isn’t the basketball poll.

24. Missouri

With the national disgrace that is going on in Ferguson, Mizzou should forfeit each game.

25. Washington

No one will watch this team except for that insufferable guy at your office who picks weird teams to root for to try and appear to be more advance in his understanding of sports.

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