Apple and U2 are old and you are stupid

Derek Evers

u2 and apple

Just two old guys finger-docking each other.

I’m old, but U2 is like grandpa old. And yet, there they were, the “big surprise” for a company trying to sell you on the fact they’ve just caught up to the screen-size market place and a watch that won’t be available until after the holidays. That doesn’t scream, “Awesome!” That texts, “desperate :(”

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I could count the ways it’s horrible, but the answer is clear: it’s U-FUCKING-2. They’re so bad, I couldn’t even bring myself to Google the name of the album. You know the joke about how some albums are worse than farting into a microphone and selling it on iTunes? Well, guess what? Some farts actually smell good (if they’re your own), and let’s be honest, Bono and the three-to-five other dudes in the band (didn’t care to Google that either) can’t even stand the sound of their own shit anymore. It’s impossible. Because if they did, they would’ve James Carradine’d themselves right into INXS bliss after one listen to what they’ve pumped out as a corporate shill. Yet sadly, here we are having to suck on the capitalist teat (bite the Apple) and listen to thousands of people make stupid comments about four slabs of plastic that Apple paraded out on stage, alongside a new iPhone. Ok, that joke might have sucked, but not nearly as bad as your fucking triple extra large phone. What is this, the techie dick-size contest? Oh, Samsung’s phone is this big, well look how big Apple’s phone is. The Samsung penis has a commercial showing you can get it wet and it will still work, can you get the iPhone wet? I didn’t Google that either, but there’s a shrinkage joke in there somewhere, right Modern Seinfeld?

To make the whole debacle worse, THE ALBUM IS FREE. You can’t make this shit up. Well, you could take about ten minutes and make a better album, but Apple and U2 are proving yet again your music is worthless unless you sign up with a company looking to sell some shit to stupid people. Remember when U2 wrote good songs that meant something? About bleeding on Sunday or something? I might not have been listening, but I know a lot of people with decent-but-not-great music tastes who were, and now look at them. How many kids in Africa will an iPhone feed Bono? Hey Apple, It’s not 1984 anymore. At least in 1984 U2 was like 45 or something and sort of relevant. Apple and U2 are just two entities joining forces to human-centipede us into submission. Even if it’s free, it still tastes like shit.

Yeah, it takes you straight to a U2 concert in Regina, Saskatchewan.

Yes, I have. In fact, I just shoved one down the front of my pants this moment. I won’t do that with an iPhone because that shit will give me testicular cancer. You don’t see that in the ads.

You all disgust me.

Not as much as U2.

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