March's Most Average Moments

Impose Automaton

Lady Gaga

Above is a photo of vomit painter (yes, that's a talent) Millie Brown preparing for her big moment on stage with Lady Gaga at SXSW. Attendees this year came up with many pathetic excuses, most of which were their own doing, for why this year's conference was out of control, but somehow the vomit performance was underappreciated.

There must be a metaphor here, right? We're too over it to dig deep for those connections that give the world a sense of purpose rather than chaos, posting the photo seems like enough. Better it be chaos. Better there be no reason for neon vomit ever; let it simply be. We look at that photo, her fingers plunging deep into her throat, and we are flushed with empathy. As you look through this month's Most Average Moments, keep the above photo in mind, and know that we want to chuck rainbow vomit from our own mouths over all of this—for the sake of art, of course. Will you hold our hair?

Kurt Cobain is rolling over in his grave, constantly

In four days it will be 20 years since the day that Kurt Cobain took his own life in his Seattle home. Rather than just reissue a Nirvana record or have MTV air the Nirvana Unplugged session on repeat for 24 hours, we've endured a lead up month of legacy smearing in the form of awkward crying statues, discovered undeveloped film from the crime scene, CNN writing gun puns in the lede, and Courtney Love still making headlines (more on that later). So many new complaints, yet so much apathy. The silver lining is the following Deadspin mock lede:

"Hey! / Wait! / I've got a new complaint!" sang Kurt Cobain from the afterlife, upon discovering CNN was posting photos from the scene of his suicide 20 years later.

Cole Alexander baited into controversy

Cole Alexander of the Black Lips recently criticised Drake, Lorde, and Macklemore. The statements went viral for reasons beyond the immediate disses, reasons like Cole's perceived white guilt and racial insensitivity. Everyone was quick to ignore the interview was for The A.V. Club's HateSong series, in which musicians and comedians are interviewed on music they cannot stand. They were also quick to forget the Black Lips once recorded a song with the GZA, which should give him carte blanche to say whatever he pleases about privileged pop stars.

Guess he should have picked Don Henley like Lou Barlow did.

Wu-Tang Clan releasing one copy of new album

The news of Wu-Tang Clan's The Wu – Once Upon A Time In Shaolin double album being reported by Forbes Magazine should be cause of our exhausted sigh. Rather, it's the news that the legendary group's sixth studio record will be the most unique collector's item ever created. This is the sort of idea that's going to make all of Kanye's breakfasts for the next year taste like shit puffs cereal.

Displayed in a hand-crafted box by British-Morrocan artist Yahya, the double album will strictly be heard in museums and then eventually sold to an aristocratic sucker that is willing to pay millions for a fancy jewel case. Wu-Tang Clan is also releasing a separate album entitled A Better Tomorrow, for the peasants to consume.

Kevin Drew's Tequila Lime Body Butter

Kevin Drew is a great option for "getting down to business" playlists, whether it's his solo work or contributions to Broken Social Scene records, it gets the results you seek. But, Kevin didn't feel involved enough in your sex life, which is why he put Kevin Drew's Tequila Lime Body Butter on the market. Handmade in Toronto, so you know that won't just be your hands applying the body butter, but the hands of Kevin Drew as well.

Kevin Drew's Tequila Lime Body Butter pairs best with a sixer of Bud-Light Lime Straw-Ber-Ritas and Cool Ranch Dorito-flavored condoms.

Tyler The Creator incites a "riot"

Riot is a strong word when it comes to events that transpire at SXSW. In 2011 Death From Above 1979's parking lot reunion set at Beauty Bar incited a riot. Why were people rioting, you ask? What sort of powerful, protest music was blaring from that soundsystem? None. None whatsoever. People just wanted to see a power noise rock duo from Canada.

It's the repeat offense by Tyler the Creator that makes the use of riot deeply offensive. We see riots on the world news and we are in awe of the upheavel, desperation, and chaos. Change the channel to FUSE and see a bunch of festival goers with sever cases of FOMO causing a flimsy metal fence to collapse all because the artist on stage said fuck that fence. If no one took eight pepper bullets to the chest (shoutouts to that Arizona knucklehead), then it was merely a squirmish.

Inescapable Kanye and Kim Vogue cover parodies.

Like we saw on every social platform when the Kanye and Kim motorcycle canoodling video "Bound 2" became "Bound 3", James Franco and Seth Rogen got the ball rolling to jam every feed with everyone's take on the #worldsmosttalkedaboutcouple. The preemptive parodies for Vogue's April edition provided some light water cooler banter from that fresh off the check-stand-rack chatter, while surrounding civic worlds of unrest were left to their own devices to break Twitter firewalls and inattentive audiences.

Tags: , , , ,

Impose Main


Sign up for the IMPOSE Entertainment Email Newsletter

powered by ArcaMax

Updates sent straight to your inbox, YOU DONT HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER


Sign up for the IMPOSE Entertainment Email Newsletter

powered by ArcaMax

Thousands of your peers have already signed up.

So what are you waiting for?