The Most Average Moments of August 2014

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Often the “averageness” of our Eh… column is lost due to absurdity. How many fucking times can Morrissey continue to screw over his fans and promotors by canceling shows for petty discrepancies like the rumor of cured meat within 30 feet of his body, only to book a new tour months later? Is this absurdity or has it become the average month in 2014? What privileged white debutante will hire twerking ethnic back up dancers for her music video next? Who deserves to have their punk legacy revoked for penning insensitive tirades of clickbait? There’s a treasure trove of poor decisions to poke fun and scrutinize…

…and it’s painful to think this is average.

Taylor Swift is 2000 and late

Taylor Swift emerges from the rock under which she spent the last year residing, reinserting herself into the media babble with a tritely racist video for her chin-up ode to all the haters “Shake It Off”. Despite all her (and her professional dancers’) shaking, T.Swift seems to be gathering haters faster than a Katamari in the Noisey offices. We can only hope and fear that is the premise for her next vid.

Joe Queer sides with Ferguson Police

Joe Queer of The Queers baffled punks by siding with Officer Darren Wilson, proving he could out controversy the ever-polarizing Hen Rollz (more on that later).

We gave him the opportunity to explain and possibly massage the situation, but punks will be punks, even when they’re damaging their legacy.

Henry Rollins wants to bone with suicide.

Joe Queer didn’t back down. Henry Rollins on the other hand, recanted his 997 word missive, delicately titled “Fuck Suicide”, for L.A. Weekly in which he penned after comedian Robin Williams took his life.

Honestly, we’ll start caring about Rollz thoughts when it’s in the form of a book on tape to get us through our next road trip.

Celebrities and their ice buckets

Typically “ice bucket” and “celebrity” is for TMZ exposes from behind the velvet rope, but thanks to the ALS Foundation using some of that non-profit greenery for a new marketing campaign, the two items have a new relationship. Cold wet heads.

Everybody was doing it, except the smart ones like Grimes and Steve-O, aka voices of intelligence and awareness. Upside, it gave us another reason to dislike Win Butler.

Death Grips a commercial success

With their controversial days behind them, and their existence as a band to boot, Death Grips can enjoy the good life of retirement: collecting checks by keeping their licensing agent.

It’s nothing but Margaritaville, lifetime supplies of Adidas track shoes, and cheeseburgers in paradise from here on out.

Soundcloud is paying you!

Soundcloud wants everybody eating.  The future will be different. Major labels will buy out streaming platforms and bend them to their will, clogging it with bad music and ads for other shit they own, but it’s totally different now because musicians get a fraction of that ad revenue to divide amongst themselves… provided they pay for a Premier account and have zero qualms with inundating their fans with State Farm ads.

Thurston Moore, marked for black death

You hear that Black Metal dudes who burn down churches? That Sonic Youth bro thinks you’re “pussies of the lowest order.”

First of all, dibbs on that band name.

Second of all, we’re not looking and he’s long overdue for a good punch in the face. Get in your viking ships and sail over here for a showdown.

Listocalypse Now

Will August be the month in which listicles took a violent turn towards self-annihilation? Is it possible for Ouroboros to finish its meal?

Pitchfork baited our eye rolls with its Staff Lists for a partial decade.

Noisey attempted the atomic bomb of listicles with 123 Worst Musicians of All Time.

It’s over now, right? And we lived to utter one final wtf.

Morrissey enters our Eh… of Fame

Not a month has gone by in which we’ve not debated amongst staff as to whether we include the latest Morrissey news in our Eh… round-up. Not one!

Rather than continue to flood you with Mozz happenings, we’re inducting the Vegan Premier into our Eh… of Fame, a thing we just created because we’re fucking sick of Morrissey this, Morrissey that every fucking month and it has to end. It ends now.

Congrats, dude. Now shut up for a few months.

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