Come one, come all. You may remember me as the feature of a lengthy New York Times, then Atlantic article, on my recent resurgence as a cool artifact—yes, it is really me, it is the Nokia phone. But please, you can call me Snakelord. I'll be your docent today to show you around the Museum of SEO Curiosities. Before we begin, please take a moment and release every single bowel that you have in this large bucket. (It's been a slow month on the web, so we can't afford a toilet.) You can wipe with this rag made from silkspun Miley Cyrus haircut detritus. And remember: nothing on this tour is more than a month old, so please stop asking us about the Ecce Homo restoration Jesus. We don't fucking have it, okay?
As you can see by staring upward in our large atrium, we have no ceiling. That's because when we initially built this building, all thanks to our Kickstarter contributors, we made the ceiling out of glass. Then the BuzzFeed climbing arrow broke it. That dick still hasn't paid us back for it either, and we know your IP address, dude. Not to mention, username dickknots49 was promised an internship as our “ceiling cleaner” when he donated $10,000 to our Kickstarter, and now what are we going to do with him? Should we just give him that money back? (No.) (We spent it.) (On Twitter followers and blow.)
The first stop on our museum tour is called Stuff That People Grinded On. We have a rubber cast of Robin Thicke's dick area. We have a wrecking ball. We have a couch. We have a shoe. We have a train. We have a knife. We have the hollow of your soul before you almost jumped off a thousand bridges and deleted your Twitter account. We also have your Twitter account. We have the Top 39 Greatest GIFs Used to Show You Care. Someone grinded on that, I can't remember who. We have blogs. We have celery. And the highlight of this room is the rock from The Myth of Sisyphus. Not only did Sisyphus occasionally grind on that thing, but we got Terry Richardson to put his glasses on it. Double value. Thumbs up.
Follow me down this hallway to our “special artifacts” exhibit. This is where we keep physical items that have put themselves in without us realizing it. The way it works is that we leave the back door open, just ever-so-slightly ajar, and then in the middle of the night, various objects are allowed to stroll right in and make themselves relevant again. If you look to your left, to your right, to your center, to your rear, you'll see an album called NO LOVE DEEP WEB. Until recently, we had seen no physical copy of the record, and didn't really see a need for one. But during one lark weekend, between August 2 and 4 sometime, we walked in to find this vinyl copy of the record sitting next to a noose. A month later and the records continue to multiply, making it hard to fit anything else in our special artifacts room.
<p>If you'll look past a thousand enraged dicks, you'll find one solitary additional exhibit piece, a thousand uncollated pages of a never-before-published Morrissey memoir. Mysteriously, it is stained with barbecue sauce and smells of rank Popeyes and pigeon's blood, but I'm sure there's good reason for that. Page through them, if you have the heart or want to Kickstart this project. It will likely never get published.
Directly past the special artifacts room, you'll find the only other room in this museum, which is a blank white box with no way in or way out. This is the room where the treasured golden goose shit out a gold iPhone. And where memes come to die.
