Candied Mother

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So your Halloween checklist is almost complete: pumpkins are carved, slutty juggalo Romney costume assembled, party invites appropriately attending, decline or maybe'd, but one to-do remains undone, get a ton of candy.

But what may have been fun, colorful and delicious to you as a child is only going to bring stomach pain, vomiting and really colorful vomiting to your adult self. And digesting organic candy corn isn't going to be any easier. So what are you going to do? Suffer through another year of sugary sweet regrets and high fructose corn syrup hangovers? Boycott the entire holiday like some Johnny Buzzkill?


Are we going to liberate ourselves from this corporate candy monopoly? Redistribute the power (and sugar) to the people!? Take to the streets tricking the status quo and treating our brothers and sisters!?!?

And how are we going to do it? By making our own candy, of course. And then eating a shit ton of it.

While there is no shortage of candy recipes online, for the gummy freaks and fermentation fetishists, there exists only one: The candied kombucha mother.

Kombucha scoby (symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast) aka mother / mushroom
Raw cane sugar
Simple syrup
Fruit puree

Cut scoby into bite-sized pieces. Rinse and soak in cold water for ten minutes. Boil for ten minutes, drain and repeat. This will remove any acidic flavor and leave you with a clean, gummy slate. If you prefer a more kombucha-y flavor, minimize or skip the soaking and boiling. Layer a baking dish or mason jar with chopped scoby and raw sugar. When you run out of scoby, cover with simple syrup and fruit puree. Using different fruit purees in smaller batches will give you a variety of flavors and colors reminiscent of the gross shit you may have typically eaten as a child. Cover and marinate for 24 hours. Preheat oven on it's lowest setting, spread marinated pieces evenly on a parchment-covered baking sheet and bake for several hours. Sample every now and then and remove when candy pieces have reached desired gumminess. Store at room temperature or in the fridge for longer periods of time and to prevent fruit flies from enjoying themselves this Halloween.