Robert Inhuman Talks Pizza

Kevin Bruce

Photo courtesy of Robert Inhuman

Everyone likes pizza, but few people take that fondness to the level of Robert Inhuman's Ninja Turtle-inspired diet. Having travelled the world over blasting gabber beats with Realicide (and now fronting Dreams in Hell), the dude has spent some serious time on the road and experienced a fuck of a lot of 'za.

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How often did you eat pizza on Realicide tours and how often do you eat pizza now?

Generally, as a rule of thumb, pretty much any opportunity possible. My bandmates sometimes would become noticeably appalled at themselves upon realizing the only thing they ate for like a week straight was pizza. Every city; every stop in between; that's what's up. I mean, I'd go for other stuff too, but if there was the pizza option that was 95 percent what went down. I try to uphold somewhat of a similar ethic when not traveling, the difference being I make my own more often.

What are the best pizza spots you've been to on tour in the US? The world?

Hound Dog's in Columbus, Ohio. Favorite still. Fuck non-believers; I love it so fucking much. In Cincinnati, people claim Adriatico's is better, but I prefer Hound Dog's, so go to hell. Nah, they are actually just different kinds of pizza really. Pizza Shuttle in Milwaukee; love it. Pizza Love in Oakland; always got it delivered when I stayed at Huffin House. In Chicago, pretty much anywhere with slices bigger than my head; like essentially a whole pizza that is just triangle-shaped. Sometimes it's not even a great pizza as much as the dire circumstances under which it's acquired, like a radiant oasis of cartoonish sustenance amidst a terribly shabby gig and/or drive. The pizza in France sucked, but you better believe I was glad to get it anyway. To be honest, I don't remember the names of most places, just the conditions I found them in, haha…

Worst pizza experience?

I don't know if this is too heinous to even mention, but if we're including awful chain restaurants, I'm probably going to go with Cici's, that cruel joke of an all-you-can-eat place… I won't eat it. I won't! Like even when I would eat meat or whatever years ago. Aside from the obvious crappy chain restaurants, I'm not sure. I think these are probably repressed memories that would need to be summoned by some kind of renowned therapist.

Best homemade pizza?

Last year in Cincinnati, I lived in an awesome warehouse and would have friends come over to make pizza together. Like somebody would make the sauce, somebody would make the dough, and we'd combine a couple different kinds of vegan cheese (like Daiya + Teese for example), etc… I gotta say some of those were very awesome. But when I lived at the Women house in Los Angeles a few years ago there were some pretty gnarly pizzas cooking. That was kind of the experience that got me stoked on DIY'ing it…

What's your M.O. when it comes to making pizza?

Oh man, one thing I've learned is baking the dough a bit before putting the sauce and everything on. Whenever I forget it usually results in undercooked crust, which is a real strike. Oh yeah, you're supposed to poke some air holes in it before you bake it too, so there aren't crazy air bubbles throughout it. I also recommend putting your seasoning on after the sauce but before the cheese, usually.

Best toppings?

Daiya cheese. Italian seasoning / garlic / sea salt. Chopped up italian sausage Tofurky. I keep it pretty simple! A good sauce goes a long way in my opinion. I have been really eager to put cashews on a pizza as a strange reaction to an otherwise painfully low-brow “deez nuts” joke made by Brandon at Southpaw Prints. The only time “deez nuts” has inspired anything good at all. Well, if it ends up being good I mean…

What's the perfect crust to you? Thick or thin?

The perfect CRUST is when it's actually about egalitarian anarchy and not just about looking pissed off and pretending this is Road Warrior like a fucking child. Sike, ok but for real, just depends. A good thick crust can be fucking baller, but if it's just aimless excess dough then it's kind of all talk. Thin is good if whatever you're putting on top is awesome enough to not need that filler. Cooking it well kind of makes/breaks the crust factor.

All ethics aside, can a vegan pizza really compare to the real thing?

I assure you it can, and often does. LOVE IT when it does! Then you just put on Rudimentary Peni or Skinny Puppy and you're on top of this filthy meat-lovers' world. Pizza Liberation Front, dawgy, that's what's up.

Did you ever run scams – like order it to a fake address and call back saying it never came – to get free pizza?

Hmm, not really that I can remember actually! I guess there are plenty of things in life I've dodged paying money for, but I'm usually willing to use money for pizza. Although, in the first Ninja Turtles movie when they don't tip 'cause the delivery was late to their sewer, that seemed fair enough, right?

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