When is the man gonna learn? He can't hold back our thirst for the alcoholic equivalent of melted sour patch kids. It's written on the walls: the death of Sparks marked the birth of Four Loko. New “flavors” and gaudy can designs were tacked onto the lighter-fluid like amalgamation of caffeine, alcohol, and FDA-warry words like “taurine,” and the love train kept straight on to the ER stomach pump.
And though states are quickly banning dear Loko, the new suitor's been waiting in the rings: Joose, baby! Someone once dubbed Sparks the poor man's cocaine. We all know what happened when you burn that white stuff. You get Four Loko. But when that's banned, and you're left with the bottom shelf at the bodega, your are staring the poor man's meth square in the face. Which is pretty poor. $2.50, and it does not taste anything like watermelon. (Avoid the watermelon flavor.)
Given that the new ban enacted by Patterson is only a piece of Chuck Schumer's dream of a caffeine-alcohol drink free state, and the FDA's plan for a nation-wide ban is mulling, Joose will probably soon see a similar fate to its storied predecessors. But where will it stop? Investment bankers across great swaths of the Meatpacking District will struggle to figure out what to mix in to their vodkas. And let's not keep the Coca Cola in the house too close to the rum, lest we make any foolish mistakes.
But the parties not quite over. Until then, we suggest the “original” Joose. Black can. No frills. Just hold your nose as you go.