Three Things Obama Can Do to Make Me Regain Faith

Ari Spool

Obama behind gay marraige

Hey! Is he asleep behind those glasses?

It's really cool that Obama went on the teevee to say that two people of the same sex should be able to marry. This is definitely what the left wanted out of him: definitive statements affirming fair and honest values, devoid of scapegoatery and governmental money-hounding, right? Go Bam Bam! You rock!

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Except, there are just so many things we have to look past in order to feel proud of the man our demographic (young urban people) was instrumental in getting elected. For instance, the fact that Obama is attending not one but several LGBTQ-centered fundraisers over the next few days. Or how about the fact that, like every president before him, Obama seems to be ignoring the fact that he could instantly grant equal rights to all using an executive order, an article of power created specifically for this purpose of overruling “popular sentiment” to do the right thing.

We also have to look past the incredible glut of policy that was promised and never delivered upon by the Obama administration. Honestly, I'm going to vote for Obama no matter what, and you should too, simply because if he's built a shrine to the devil, Mitt Romney surely has a larger, more luxurious shrine to the devil with like seven shrine guest rooms and a 14-car Diablo garage, and if he became president, we would be completely fucked. But I'm not going to do it with the same belief that I used to have in this man that I now call “The Chicago Chicken”, the belief that inspired me to go to Times Square to see him elected and then scream and try to get photographed making out in front of foreign reporters. But Obama could change that. I don't care if it's pandering: if he decides to get some shit done in the next six months, who am I to argue? Here's a few subjects he could do something about that would change my mind.

3. Close motherfucking Guantanamo.

Why is this shit still open? Why are we still torturing random Afghan taxi drivers? I thought we were supposed to have this taken care of within the first six months? What is the goddamn holdup? Some people being like “we can't try these psychos on American soil!!!!” Please. There are plenty of places in America where you are too far away from anything to be able to acquire and build the supplies to like blow up the universe or whatever; have you ever been to Nebraska? There's like, nothing there. Anyways, we try non-brown terrorists on American soil all the time! People are not more dangerous just because they are brown.

2. Do something about the food supply.

Look, the causes of obesity are myriad and have a lot to do with poverty. But there are a few really simple steps Obama could take, without having to deal with those idiots in Congress, in order to make our food supply safer and healthier. For instance, instructing the FDA to ban chemicals like bisphenol-A from products sold in the United States would be really easy; women who are exposed to this chemical are more likely to bear children who are obese, and it's already banned in Europe. (Also, it causes birth defects. And it's in everything that comes out of a can or is cooked on teflon. And ATM receipts. And if you are male, and you have been exposed, simply being next to a pregnant woman for a regular period of time can produce the effects. Enjoy your lunch!) Obama could also advance policy that cuts farm subsidies to people that make soy oil and high fructose corn syrup, and use the money to subsidize farmers growing healthy vegetables and fruits. If high fructose corn syrup weren't so cheap, it wouldn't be in everything.

1. Redirect focus to primary education.

College debt is really fucked up, but Republicans still believe that college is based on merit and pull-up-your bootstraps Randian garbage, i.e., if you can't expect to pay for the debt you acquire, don't go at all, because what's the point? What kind of person are you? Or, as Romney suggests, you should just borrow money from your parents. That's definitely a big fight that Obama needs to keep up with, but funding and basic access to primary education can't get shoveled under the schoolbus. If the primary education in America was modernized to keep up with the rest of the industrialized world, we'd be making a much larger investment in our future; as it stands, people who are hiring complain about not being able to find skilled applicants, while simultaneously 8% of the country can't find a job and needs one. College debt is only part of the answer; primary education needs to be revamped to teach 21st century skills. For instance, if you are a computer engineer, your starting salary is somewhere in the $60k range right now, but what high school even teaches anything beyond basic HTML and word processor use?

This list doesn't even include a ton of really obvious shit that Obama is kinda trying to work on, like figuring out how to give people healthcare and tax the rich and prevent war with Iran. But I feel like a redirection towards these three things could quickly change the entire climate of political discourse in America, which is what I need to regain faith in the man's work.

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