2014 NFL Preview: NFC

Andy Livingston

While not as damning as a conference as the AFC, the NFC teams also have there fair share of off-season controversy, with one owner getting very friendly with two young ladies on social media and another owner doubling down on the racially insensitive name of his team. Well okay, maybe it is just as damning, but the NFC does bolster one of the best divisional rivalries in the NFL with the San Francisco 49ers and the reigning champion Seattle Seahawks. But how does the rest of the conference take shape? We delve into each team using a film to sum up each organization.

Washington Football Club

2013 Record: 3-13

Film Scale: Poltergeist

They have an owner who is making Donald Sterling look good, a PR team that looks like a North Korea propaganda machine and a quarterback who loves to run but doesn’t know how to slide. They finally dumped the Shanahan Nightmare Twins, RGIII could learn to protect his body, but the defense is elderly and without a true stopper.

2014 Prediction: 5-11

St. Louis Rams

2013 Record: 7-9

Film Scale: Final Destination 5

Boy have we seen this before. Sam Bradford at least had the decency to tear his ACL before the season started and immediately put his team into the cellar. And Jeff Fisher will get another chance to be a mediocre mustache and come draft time, there will be another chance for a quarterback controversy. That is if Brett Favre and Kurt Warner are not already fielding calls to come in.

The defense will actually be okay as long as coordinator Gregg Williams isn’t putting bounties out again.

2014 Prediction: 3-13

Arizona Cardinals

2013 Record: 10-6

Film Scale: Dawn of the Dead

The Cardinals basically play in a tacky mall, have some old attractions that you didn’t know were still around but are comforting to see in Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald. But really you should just keep on driving, not matter how much the guy in the weird hat keeps waving you over. That guy in the weird hat is Bruce Arians.

They’ve got some turnover machines on defense, but in the division with San Francisco and Seattle, they will still be mopping up slop all year.

2014 Prediction: 9-7

San Francisco 49ers

2013 Record: 12-4

Film Scale: Child’s Play 3

The Niners got pwned in the last minute by Richard Sherman and have a coach that is such a catastrophe that they tried to trade him to the Browns. And the Browns said no. Jim Harbaugh is a giant baby in Walmart khaki’s and so resembles Chucky from the Child’s Play films before they became self-aware campy messes.

Kaepernick still has some Randall Cunningham moments in him, but the play calling and receiving core are still pretty blah, but they’ve kept the core in coaching and the line on the defense and offense are solid, but will they finally win a Super Bowl? Nah.

2014 Prediction: 12-4

Seattle Seahawks

2013 Record: 13-3, NFL Champions

Film Scale: Back to the Future III

Their quarterback is four feet tall and has been living on luck for too long that he hasn’t ruptured every part of his knees yet. Seahawks fans have so little identity that they swiped the 12th Man nonsense from Texas A&M. You’re a professional organization, at least steal better.

Richard Sherman’s troll game is on point with his on field game, they lost nothing in the offseason and are playing out of the mental midget schemes of Pete “9/11 was an inside job” Carroll.

2014 Prediction: 11-5

Tampa Bay Bucaneers

2013 Record: 4-12

Film Scale: Contagion

It’s easy to assign Contagion to this team, they were swallowed up by two major infections: MRSA and Greg Schiano. They cut their franchise quarterback mid-season. The inability to keep their stadium clean cost the careers of two of their players. The only reason why they had less of an insufferable time was because the Dolphins locker imploded with news of various personality disorders.

Lovie Smith is now in charge of the ship, so LOL to all that. At least the defense will be pretty decent and he’ll drag someone to play quarterback and not know what to do with him at all.

2014 Prediction: 5-11

Atlanta Falcons

2013 Record: 4-12

Film Scale: Cool as Ice

Matty Ice is still here! And his implied charisma and overblown contract is right there with him. After throwing to only Tony Gonzalez last season, now he’s got nobody to throw to! But one of the Matthews brood is now in his offensive line. So the ex-jock sitting in the booth can foam at the mouth over pedigree all season.

They probably won’t all have injuries this year like they did last, so something good could come out of their year. The rest of their division is filled with day old bread and propped up flowers ready for the dumpster.

2014 Prediction: 9-7

New Orleans Saints

2013 Record: 11-5

Film Scale: Hoop Dreams

Sean Payton is still dining out on the Bountygate scandal because being a dick is always endearing to a local team while it pisses off the rest of the nation. They’re best player has to sue to get some money from the team because they still want to ride the wave of dickishness.

Drew Bress will khaki shorts his way into an 11-5 schedule, but blow it in the playoffs and retaining the Payton-era. Hopefully Wolfman Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan can find his way into a head coaching position to bust out of the no fun gang.

2014 Prediction: 11-5

Carolina Panthers

2013 Record: 12-4

Film: Little Giants

Their head coach gave himself a nickname, which constitutes the worst kind of person. They’re fanbase is filled with a tumblr lesson on microaggressions towards their quarterback Cam Newton. Ron Riveria finally opened up his playbook and they started playing great. And then he shut it down in the playoffs and they ate it.

They got a bunch of their players new contracts, but on other teams, and cut Steve Smith, who can’t wait to light them up when the Ravens play the Panthers. At least it will drop the expectations to something reasonable for Panters fans and who knows? Maybe this will be the year they finally chase Newton away?

2014 Prediction: 8-8

Minnesota Vikings

2013 Record: 5-10

Film Scale: The Thing (1982)

The Humphriedome finally bit the dust, so Vikings fans get to watch their Purple clad team not on outside, but in a college stadium sitting on bleachers. And the Vikings had the 23rd ranked passing game last season, so that will get people moving in the seats! They also let every opponent catch every pass thrown at them last season.

Leslie Frazier is gone, Adrian Peterson will (hopefully) not have such an awful personal life during the season, maybe Teddy Bridgewater will be awesome if all else fails. The Vikes may have a decent offensive line, but they’re still swiss cheese on the field most days.

2014 Prediction: 7-9

Detroit Lions

2013 Record: 7-9

Film Scale: Even Dwarves Started Small

The Lions will put up fantasy numbers with pee-wee football results and continue to bring in middling coaching to limp the team to a .500 or less record. In a game of consistency, the Lions really take it a step further, unable to snap out of a funk that has lasted twenty years. Maybe this is the year it all clicks? How would anyone know what makes for an underperforming Lions club at this point?

2014 Prediction: 8-8

Chicago Bears

2013 Record: 8-8

Film Scale: Grizzly Man

Their quarterback is a cigarette meme that Benicio Del Toro would probably play in a television movie for a quart of rye. They have a defense that a strong gust of wind could earn 100 yards on, which is cool because they play in a wind tunnel and still get blown out in bad-weather games. They have receivers that are crazy good, even if Culter is just a single leg that gets sacked every game.

2014 Prediction: 8-8

Green Bay Packers

2013 Record: 8-7-1

Film Scale: American Movie

Oh Cheeseheads, sweet cheeseheads, with your worst ever headgear. Maybe this will be the year that your offensive line can protect Aaron Rodgers for an entire game. Also quit with all the gay panic stuff around him, would ya? Their defense can outplay the coaching of Dom Capers, which isn’t much of a compliment, and the Packers are always solid for getting a divisional title and knocking into the playoffs.

2014 Prediction: 10-6

New York Giants

2013 Record: 7-9

Film Scale: Charly

Quarterback Eli Manning can’t look at a football without throwing an interception and the Giants big challenge to him this season is to complete his passes at 70%. There’s a greater chance you can teach math to a cat than that happening. Tom “Get off my lawn” Coughlin will be out of touch with his players, but still manage to coach them up. It helps the rest of the division has one foot in front of a landmine most of the year.

2014 Prediction: 9-7

Dallas Cowboys

2013 Record: 8-8

Film Scale: Phantom Of The Paradise

Millionaire Hooters patron, Jerry Jones spent the offseason in full-on party mode. He was physically barred from drafting Johnny Football in the draft and is still hanging onto the Tony Romo dream. Their receiving core seems to have been around since the ’90s, they have a Defensive End suspended the first 10 weeks and yet Romo will still look like he’s elite for 5 games before busting in the other 11 games.

2014 Prediction: 8-8

Philadelphia Eagles

2013 Record: 10-6

Film Scale: Trading Places

They have a very fast offense, but dumped Michael Vick in the offseason. Chip Kelly is still shaking off the Cheetos dust Andy Reid left in the head coaching office, but still managed 10 wins last year. This year the Kelly offense might be figured out, but their running back core is one of the best in the league. The stability at QB this year will be helpful, even if the backup is Mark Sanchez.

2014 Prediction: 10-6

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