We missed last week’s picks because no one in the office would stop watching Julian’s lonely blowjob routine. It’s funny how you can eat up a week. You’ll make a list of things to do, meetings to meet. But then you realize three weeks of the season have disappeared and you’re still on the crapper and forgot to finalize labor negotiations with your referee union. Time passes, but beyond that what is guaranteed? Surely not the Cowboys’ offensive line. The Eagles play the Giants, so we can guarantee Philly will continue its averaging seventeen fumbles a game. Other guarantees in life include but are not limited to: the forever sadness-pride of Cleveland, the sureness of young liberals and their forgetting to register to vote, pizza.
Here we are now, back with Ed Hochili and the rest of the professionals and our picks for Week 4. Get out your mortgage, your jewelry, withdraw all your funds; I called Seattle last week and paid off my student loans. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.
Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens
We keep forgetting games play on Thursdays. I’m sure it’s just the NFL trying to make sure they meet the demand of the fans and it’s not a blatant attempt to secure more money upon money. Trust we had Baltimore winning by handfuls.
Carolina Panthers at Atlanta Falcons
It’s too early for trends, and it’s hard to say what the first three weeks mean. Atlanta might be really good and Carolina might be pretty bad. Christ, I just watched Steven A. Smith talk for seven straight minutes. Am I racist for picking Matty Light over Hello Kitty Cam? Dirty Birds by 14
New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills
What is the national perception of Buffalo? We love our Detroits, our Clevelands, our battered mini-Americas ground dull. When the Lions win, we all win. We buy our union beer and drive her proud vehicles across our interstates on the fumes of victory. But what of Buffalo? Always the underdog, never the crowd-favorite. It’s lonely up in Jim Kelly country. New England by 17
Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions
A divisional game made more interesting after last week. Detroit should’ve and Minnesota most certainly did. I’ve got no snark in the tank, just hopeful this plays out as well as it should. Detroit by 3
San Diego Chargers at Kansas City Chiefs 
They say write what you know.
Seattle Seahawks at St. Louis Rams 
Pete Carroll is all surfer dad and we love how positive he is, how nineties. He’s got a couch where you can just chill and talk it out. He’s your buddy, and he takes your pissant sub-.500 team to the playoffs and we’re all vibin’ the hell outta him. But then he aw-shucks himself and Golden Tate out of the stadium last Monday and he looks like a potato. Hell, they’re playing St. Louis. Seattle by 10
San Francisco 49ers at NY Jets
No man is an island,
Especially on Injured Reserve.
Each is a piece of the New York Jets,
A part of the turd.
If Tebow be washed away by the sea,
New York is none the less.
As well as if Rex Ryan were.
As well as if a stadium of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each Jets’ loss satifies me,
For I am a Cowboys fan and unkind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls San Francisco by 3.
Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans
As we all thought last year and the year before and the year before that: This is Houston’s year. Too bad their logo is clowny. Just straighten that steer out and make it less aggro. Houston by 12
Cincinnati Bengals at Jacksonville Jaguars
Blaine Gabbert. Cincinnati by 10
Miami Dolphins at Arizona Cardinals
Does Miami’s absent secondary inflate the premature Kevin Kolb as dark horse MVP talks? Arizona by 9
Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos
I was stuck watching that Golden Tate “catch” with a Raiders fan the other night for about two hours. He was nice, and talked confidently about the league seeing as how his team just did the unexpected to the Steelers. He also said he can’t see the Raiders being consistent as long as Al Davis is running the show and firing their coaches left and right. I didn’t know how to tell him. That little gap of knowledge seemed appropriate anyway. Denver by 6
New Orleans Saints at Green Bay Packers
The heart just isn’t in them this year. Or the incentive, the bounty. The Saints have looked more like the Saints of old this season, and it’s pretty funny. Not as funny as it would be if the Packers, after all their earned whining from last week, turfed out to the extreme this week. Saints by 3
Washington Redskins at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tampa Bay gave its best effort to lose last week and pulled through. It was a horrible display of what is colloquially referred to as ‘football.’ I’m certain no one has made changes down there. Let’s run RGIII into the ground as quickly as possible because it’s not like the Skins are making a playoff run this year. Washington by 15
NY Giants at Philadelphia Eagles
After the whooping on opening night, New York has responded the only way they know how: They’ve shown up to work like the professionals they are. It’s too easy to say the Giants defense lights up Vick and forces thirty-seven fumbles, and it would be nice for the NFC East narrative if this was the game where Vick found his footing and delayed Philly’s fans from running him out of town. Oof. Giants by 7
Chicago Bears at Dallas Cowboys
After the whooping they put on New York on opening night, Dallas marched on the only way they know how: They’ve played uninspired and undisciplined football. The first halves of the past two games have been some of the worst football I’ve seen in my short existence, yet there is still a part of me that naively says, “oh but they look like they are just nearly there. Some little hump to eclipse, and the Boys are up at the top.” It’s time I admit to myself that they aren’t that good. Lucky for them, neither are the Bears. Dallas by 21
Year-end Predictions, take heed:
AFC Champs – Houston Texans
NFC Champs – Dallas Cowboys
Super Bowl Champs – Dallas Cowboys
Season MVP – Tony Romo
Offensive Player of the Year – Megatron
Defensive Player of the Year – J.J. Watt
Rookie of the Year – RGIII
Storyline of the Year – Buddy Garrity convinces Jimmy Johnson to come back to Texas, but trouble arises when Jason Garrett refuses to leave his post as Cowboys head coach
