Jimmy the Greek was my grandfather.
So I've decided to present myself as “Derek the Italian, German, English, Irish and something dark that we can't trace without DNA because my grandmother was adopted.” It doesn't quite have the ring of ol' grandad's, but you go with what God gave you. Now let's see what the god's have in store for NFL teams this week. You can listen to Reading Rainbows's “Always On My Mind” below while looking over my week 8 predictions.
Prediction: The NFL returns to London for a regular season game for the second year in a row. Have you ever been to London? It's a land so full of white people, even the black people sound white. I give the nod to the Broncos. 49ers coach Mike Singletary will be so discombobulated by the first brother who offers him tea, his game plan will fall flat.
Prediction: A couple of years ago I watched an episode of the Discovery Channel's Animal Face-Off where they predicted a lion could beat a shark. If a lion can beat a fucking shark, then a Bengal tiger can sure as hell beat a pussy Dolphin.
Prediction: There was a time when no one would've given two shits about this game, and that time is now. I'll give the edge to the Lions pulling off the upset in Matt Stafford's return.
Prediction: Personally, I've always been offended by the Panthers' audacity to never claim a city or state. This type of indecision is at the heart of their inability to choose a starting QB. One team needs the support of two states, while the other's got a huge set of horns (Rams probably have big balls too). I've got the Rams running away with it.
Prediction: Rex Ryan has had good reason to be a confident man this season, there looks to be very few things that can slow his Jets team down. But like every morbidly obese person, his Achilles heel is cholesterol, and in this rock-scissors-paper game, cheese beats fat man.
Prediction: Unfortunately, I'm a Bills fan. And as much as I'd like to be able to say they'll get their first win of 2010 this week, it's not going to happen. There's no way around the facts; back in the day Indian chiefs killed buffalo and now they pay fewer bills living on the reservation. Either way they win.
Prediction: Bye Wade Philips.
Prediction: There is a sense of homo-eroticism surrounding this game. End zones will get penetrated by plenty of Johnson. Titans in a tight one.
Prediction: Randy Moss returns to New England to face the team who traded him three weeks ago. This is the dude who ran over a meter maid. This is the dude who smoked a joint before turning himself in to serve a 30-day sentence for a misdemeanor battery charge stemming from his high school days, resulting in a positive drug test and getting kicked off the Florida State football team (true story). Moss will have three TDs in a dominating win for the Vikings.
Prediction: If you're old enough to remember when these were the NFL's two Down Syndrome teams, then you'll remember the bad-ass creamsicle orange Buccaneers jerseys. The only way they beat the Cardinals this week is if they wear the throwback uni's, otherwise that red and silver shit is gonna get crushed.
Prediction: The ghost of Lyle Alzado comes back on Halloween to help the Raiders defense. Turns out Lyle's not a cancer on his former team, he actually aids them. Raiders in a low scoring affair.
Prediction: The game of the week pits the QB accused, but never convicted, of rape against the team that plays in a stadium accused, but never convicted, of housing rapes during Hurricane Katrina. The first ever accused, but never convicted, of rape bowl will be won by… Kobe Bryant. The Saints will win the game.
Prediction: Texans getting fucked by horses. Ironic, isn't it?
