Monica Lewinsky vs. Eddie Vedder in Purgatory

Jessica A. Numsuwankijkul

Heliotropes

Let's say there's a tribunal to determine exactly which one of them can leave, based on whose public sins can be judged MORE FORGIVABLE.

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I'm going to argue in favor of MS. LEWINSKY'S release in lieu of MR. VEDDER'S release. Though this may not be the obvious choice, I, Jessica A. Numsuwankijkul, truly believe that Ms. Lewinsky (from this point forward, known more informally as MONICA), seek to convince you that Monica should be freed. Free Monica. Detain Eddie.

Reasons Monica should be freed, in no particular order:

1: RELATIVE YOUTH AT THE TIME OF THE CRIME: Monica was a nubile intern of 22 when she began her affair with Bill Clinton. When you're 22, you're ill-equipped to say no to the leader of The Free World when he asks you for paper clips, a book report or sexual favors.

2. THE NEAR-IMPOSSIBILITY OF REFUSING ANALINGUS FROM THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD: Kenneth Starr became the first man in history to use the term “analingus” in a report to Congress. Why? Because Bill Clinton was eating Monica's ass. Think about this for a second: she got the leader of the free world to eat her ass. Would you refuse this? Even if you weren't sexually interested in receiving analingus from Bill Clinton, wouldn't you just do it just to say you did? Probably.

3. THE PAIN OF BEING HORRIBLY BETRAYED BY HER BEST FRIEND MAKES THE SUBJECT A MORE SYMPATHETIC CHARACTER: At the end of the MONICAGATE trial, Lewinsky's final words to the jury were, “I hate Linda Tripp.” Ms. Tripp is probably the world's worst best friend. She secretly recorded all incriminating conversations between herself and Monica and claimed that her actions were “purely patriotic” — and was able to evade wiretap charges in exchange for handing in the tapes. She also told Monica that she looked fat in the the infamous blue dress. Monica admitted that she didn't expect Linda to betray her: ” Linda always told me she would always protect me and she would never tell anybody and keep my secret, up until the Paula Jones case came about.” Poor gal.

4. THE SUBJECT BECAME A VIABLE ROLE MODEL FOR THE AVERAGE WOMAN EVERYWHERE: The most disarming thing about Monica is that she wasn't wasn't hot shit in a skirt suit flaunting her ass around The White House, like one would expect. No, the gal who almost brought The Clinton Administration to its knees was a chubby, average-looking girl with bubble bangs and a disernable fupa. She could have been anybody — except she was totally killing it and getting Bill Clinton, the president of the United States, to eat her ass. In 2000, Jenny Craig signed Monica on as their spokesperson and defended their choice to critics by explaining that she “represents a busy active woman of today with a hectic lifestyle.” I support this sentiment, and so should you.

5. EXHIBITION OF TRUE REPENTANCE: In 1999, Monica modestly declined to sign an autograph at an airport, explaining, “Im kind of known for something that's not so great to be known for.” Eventually she retreated to London to get her degree in Social Psychology, away from the prying eyes of the U.S. press.

6. IT ONLY WENT UP THERE ONCE: The infamy in which the CIGAR INCIDENT lives makes it seem as if Monica and Bill were forever tucked away in some obscene nook of The White House, repeating this profane gesture (for anyone who missed it, look it up on Wikipedia). In other words, it seems to be UNFORGIVABLE, a repeated offense forever ingrained in the minds of the general public. But, according to Kenneth Starr's transcripts, the sexual act involving the cigar only happened ONCE. (JUROR: “Did you and the president ever engage in sexual relations using cigars? MONICA: “Yes, just once. Just once.”) And they didn't even have intercourse.

Reasons Eddie should be detained:

1. HE HAS A SOLO ALBUM CALLED UKELELE SONGS: Eddie Vedder released an entire album of songs performed on the ukelele in 2000. This basically says, “I am such a serious artist that you'll still have to take me seriously as I strum and croon over this instrument normally reserved for twee- pop shitheads, fat Hawaiian dudes and Zooey Deschanel.” He should be forced to taste the bitter root of his own hubris by being detained here in Purgatory.

2. HE’S RESPONSIBLE FOR AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF GUYS THAT SING LIKE HIM: Without Eddie, there would be no Scott Weiland, Scott Stapp, Chad Kroger, Collective Soul, or guys that are probably playing in the Lowest Eastside at this very moment.

Free Monica. Detain Eddie.

– Jessica A. Numsuwankijkul

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