Mastering The “It's Time to Get Busy” Playlist

[above: Let's not and say we did.]

Tonight was your first date in three months. You and your prospective hook-up have landed at your place, buzzed but not too wasted. You’re sitting on that disgusting couch in your room, and the winds seem to be blowing in your favor. There’s a better than 25 percent chance some shit is about to go down. You get up and say, “Lemme put on some music.”

This is a critical moment. The track that comes out of that iPod jukebox will make or break your evening: the right choice means a brief respite from the crushing pressure which threatens to implode your groin, the wrong choice means you’ll be too depressed to jerk off the next day.

So, what track do you put on? Or do you just wilt in the heat of the moment and draw a total blank, fumbling with the circular touch-pad thingy for what seems like an eternity while that prized piece of ass sitting three feet away starts checking his/her text messages to see what else is going on tonight?

The best policy is to always be prepared. Spending too long picking a track makes you look insecure, desperate and incompetent, which you may be, but there’s no sense in advertising that to the one person who could help you momentarily forget your pathetic self-loathing. Choosing a track too quickly, though, makes you look like some kind of presumptuous asshole, or, if it’s a terrible choice, over-eager and undiscerning, like your boner is about to rip a hole in your jeans or you’re so wet it’s like your water just broke. It says you couldn’t care less if you satisfy your primal cravings to the sounds of the latest Hannah Montana release or “Escape (The Piña Colada Song).”

Having an “I’m trying to get laid” playlist is a little embarrassing, especially when one of your friends finds it and spends half an hour ridiculing your choices, but it’s certainly better than the alternatives. I recommend carefully formulating said playlist ahead of time, but taking a solid 10 — 15 seconds to put it on when the crucial moment arrives. That’s enough time to make it seem like you’re a thoughtful but decisive person, which in a disingenuous kind of way, you are.

Assuming that the tracks you’ve selected are spot-on for the occasion, it’ll makes you seem quick-witted and hip, like you could plausibly claim to have worn a blazer with a pair of Vans and tight jeans in 2002. It also gives your prospective playmate enough time to scratch their balls or put their hair back or get that piece of bok choy out of their teeth without you watching them, which is nice if you’ve ever been in that situation.

Once the music comes on, resist the urge to be a total buzz kill by blathering about the musicians and how much you love them. Appropriate music shouldn’t draw attention to itself, other than in a very subtle, the-sonic-atmosphere-in-here-makes-me-feel-both-safe-and-horny kind of way. Continue allowing the sack of flesh and fluids sitting next to you to talk about him/herself, and when the odds of rejection seem lowest, make your move. It may not pan out, but at least you’ll have music ready for next time.

Here are six tracks that probably won’t ruin your chances:

Camino Del Sol, “Camino Del Sol”
Antena

Rhythmic French electro-samba with smooth female vocals and a loungey vibe that makes you feel like you’re in some kind of futuristic porno. This was basically designed to help you get laid.

The Congos, “Fisherman”
Heart of The Congos

Putting this track on says, “Yeah that’s right, I follow reggae a little bit, and you can totally tell I didn’t get this off of a Starbucks compilation or something equally retarded. Isn’t that sensual?”

Django Reinhardt, “Tea for Two”
Swing 39

This one says, “You know how some people are dressing up like circus freaks and pretending they’re from the 1900s or something? Well I’m not one of those losers, but I’m totally aware of the aesthetic. I read the Style section of the New York Times occasionally.”

T. Rex, “Monolith”
Electric Warrior

These bluesy glam rockers put together one awesome album in a much too long career. This track is on it, along with the much more famous “Get It On”, which is a little too crass for this occasion. But who knows, if you’re trying to hook up with a music geek maybe you’ll get the point across by association.

Freez, “Southern Freez”
British Hustle: The Sound of British Jazz-Funk 1974-1982

This track sounds like it was taken from a sex scene in a 70s blaxploitation movie about rival gangs who settle their beef with roller skating competitions.

Blood Sisters, “Ring My Bell”
Hustle: Reggae Disco Kings

A girl once told me she was “impressed” when I put on a track from this album. Who doesn’t want to fuck someone impressive?