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It's the biggest night in movies, on your TV! I kept an intimate diary of my deepest feelings and flash opinions (all nine hours of them), so you wouldn't have to have feelings.
THE RED CARPET:
7:12.00 // Rooney Mara has cray teeth.
7:15:12 // Are we still talking about Bjork's swan dress?
7:16: 32 // It's Milla Jovovich's first time at The Oscars? Really? The lady from Resident Evil hasn't been to The Oscars?
7:20:18 // They are talking to Prince Albert and I can't stop laughing because I'm a child.
7:21:04 // Emma Stone looks completely average as a christmas present.
7:24:32 // This lady just said “redheads are in fashion.” That's racist.
7:24:45 // Is the word “mom-inees” in the OED?
7:29:11 // Viola Davis is preparing for a role as Dennis Rodman in the upcoming movie “Bad As I Wanna Be.”
7:41:43 // Tina Fey's hair and dress make her look like the world's prettiest cartoon.
7:52:07 // Does J-Lo get invited to The Oscars just so she can slip a nip every year?
7:53:51 // Nick Nolte has a pet crow! This is the best news I will ever receive, and I shall now take my own life.
8:03:36 // Bradley Cooper's mustache doesn't make him look like any less of a dick.
8:06:03 // Glen Close looks like if the wicked witch was all business.
8:12:17 // Damn, Brad Pitt is here as his character from “Legends of the Fall.”
8:21:27 // They need to keep mentioning how excited they are to see Billy Crystal, because the positive energy is the only thing keeping him alive.
8:30:30 // Morgan Freeman has a glove on one hand. WEIRD.
8:32:11 // This Billy Crystal thing is insufferable, but that was awesome when he eye-fucked the Biebz.
8:43:19 // Best Cinematography: Hugo won! The dude who won is so magnificently stoned, he could only be a cinematographer.
8:45:11 // Best Art Direction: Hugo again! These were the guys on set calling for “more steampunk.”
8:51:45 // WHY IS TWILIGHT IN THIS MONTAGE OF CLASSIC FILMS AND WHY ARE MY NEIGHBORS BUMPING MERENGUE MUSIC AT 125dB AND NOT WATCHING THE OSCARS?!
8:54:55 // Costume Design: The Artist, a movie with surprisingly few bodices.
8:56:55 // J-Lo: still nip-slippin'.
8:58:02 // Best Makeup: The Guy who thickened Meryl Steep's face in The Iron Lady. Way to go, face-thickener!
9:00:11 // Brad Pitt talking about Gargantua is a great stoner moment.
9:06:41// Best Foreign Language Film: was Sandra Bullock's presentation racist? Am I intensely sensitive to potential racism? The Separation won, and I have no idea what it is, but the Iranian director gave a pretty good speech, because he knows that most everyone watching The Oscars equates “Iran” with “Nuclear Weapons.”
9:10:22 // Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer won! My wife just squealed. Bridesmaids got robbed! (I predict this is not the first time I will say this.)
9:22:00 // The whole “Wizard Of Oz” skit thing totally bombed, and when they said they hoped Gone With the Wind “had some monkeys in it,” that was racist.
9:23:56 // Best Film Editing: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, the longest Nine Inch Nails video ever made.
9:25:12 // Best Sound Editing: I'm glad Hugo won, because the sound editors' “Hugo,” “no, Hugo first” joke was a delight.
9:28:17 // Best Sound Mixing: they keep showing clips from Hugo every time it wins something. Guys, I didn't see it, don't spoil it!
9:35:57 // Cirque do Soliel's performance of “what it's like to go to the movies” was nothing like going to the movies.
9:41:34 // Best Documentary: Undefeated! The second win of the night for “white people saving black people.”
9:44:00 // They started playing these dudes off and turned off their mics because they swore! It's live, folks!
9:45:40 // Chris Rock's still got it, and he's sporting “youth hair.” Rango got Best Animated Feature. Cool?
9:52:15 // Does Ben Stiller feel threatened that Emma Stone is a whole foot taller than him?
9:55:08 // Best Visual Effects: This category has not one but two movies based on children's toys. Despite the fact that the little clip for Harry Potter said “wizards and witches and werewolves and elves,” Hugo won. Whatever.
9:59:27 // Best Supporting Actor: Melissa Leo (the presenter for this category) is awesome, but seems kind of computer generated. Christopher Plummer (one of two nominees that are super-duper old) won, and was a total class act about it.
10:09:00 // Billy Crystal's impression of Nick Nolte's monster voice was low, but actually a tiny bit funny.
10:10:20 // Every time an academy guy gets up and talks about the movie industry is a low point in my year.
10:12:59 // Owen Wilson has perfected his Meg Ryan hair.
10:13:48 // Best Original Score: The Artist. Fuck, these foreign guys winning oscars and saying shit like “I've got so much love to give to you” is the greatest.
10:16:59 // Best Original Song: There were only two nominees, and the one from The Muppets won. Duh.
10:25: 01 // Angelina Jolie is getting distracted by her own crazy dress.
10:26:55 // Best Adapted Screenplay: The Descendants won. I am going to sound like the biggest New Yorker-subscribing asshole for saying this, but this is one of the only awards I actually care about. Writing is hard.
10:30:00 // Best Original Screenplay: Woody Allen, booooooooooring! Bridesmaids got robbed! (I knew it!)
10:38:30 // The cast of Bridesmaids are presenting, just to rub it in that they didn't win anything. Best Live Action Short went to The Shore, Best Documentary Short went to Saving Face, and Best Animated Short went to The Fantastic Flying Books something something. It's a bummer that there is no way I could have ever seen any of these movies. I should've taken this part of the ceremony to pee.
10:50:55 // Best Director: the foreign dude with fancy eyewear who did The Artist. Of course Mallick wasn't gonna get it. I'm convinced he's not even a person.
10:56:47 // What the fuck are The Governor's Awards? Ugh, can I pee now?
11:03:18 // Is it sick that the death montage is my favorite part? But this lady singing is kind of wrecking it.
11:13:56 // It seems phony that Natalie Portman is calling all these actors by their first names, then clapping into the mic after every clip.
11:18:45 // Okay, the handsome French guy won Best Lead Actor. But then after his boring speech it cut to the band playing in the balcony and a guy was throat singing or something. Weird.
11:24:15 // Colin Firth is doing the first-name thing too. Do all these people know each other?
11:26:11 // Rooney Mara has crazy elf ears!
11:27:32 // Meryl Streep is getting all swooney over Colin Firth.
11:29:27 // Meryl Streep won for Best Lead Actress! A guy in the audience is going absolutely bonkers going YYYEEEAAHH over and over. I think it's Sacha Baron Cohen.
11:32:59 // For some reason, I find Tom Cruise reciting the nominees for Best Picture incredibly relaxing. Maybe because it's almost midnight on a Sunday and I'm bored out of my skull.
11:36:25 // The Artist wins Best Picture, because the old white dudes who run this business are nostalgic fucks. BONUS: they brought a dog on stage!
11:40:00 // “Goodnight everybody!” Say what you will about Billy Crystal, but he is a fucking professional who knows what the fuck he is doing.
Until next year, when we once again bring Billy Crystal out of cryogenic stasis!