Last night was the annual Met Ball in New York City, an event that brings together the best, the brightest, the most innovative, and most important in the arts and leaves them at the door while a bunch of other idiots walk in. This year's Costume Institute theme, which exists in conjunction with a summer-long exhibit on the subject, was Punk: Chaos to Couture, a subject we heard Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were studying at NYU's Gallatin School before dropping out to do pilates five times an hour. The turnout was a beastly one, with celebrities showing up in everything from diamond-encrusted potato sacks to silk, floral, floor-length gowns, which really, truly ups the punx. Since rich people have a tendency to be misguided and easily misunderstood, we thought we could help by showing the ragtag crew of bloated millionaires what they could have done instead of throwing this whole party. As of late last night, Gisele Bundchen was teetering around in nothing more than a black-and-gold leather bodice, shouting “Oi! Oi! Oi!” and piercing her toes with paper clips. Really, if they were trying to be punk, here are ten things more appropriate than this whole affair:
1. Four knives sitting on a chair near a hot stove.
2. Reverse-cuckolded Elin Nordegren smashing Tiger Woods' car with a golf club after she chased him down mercilessly.
3. Dr. Steve Brule.
4. A massive heart attack.
5. That time that my eight-year-old cousin shoved an entire bag of Big League Chew in his mouth and then grinned even though he was kind of choking.
6. The acronym NSFW since it kind of sounds like what it is.
7. Your WWII veteran grandfather, probably.
8. When you have to export a Word doc as a PDF, but you can't just save it, you have to go to “Page Setup” and pretend you're going to print it out instead, but at the last minute, you cancel the print so that you can save the doc as a PDF.
9. A left shoe, any variety.
10. Joe Sly catfishing DIY venues or a catfish Joe Sly-ing a police station.