The Most Average Moments of September 2014

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It’s the first day of October, the equinox has come and gone, and we still feel compelled to make Drake “Worst Behaviour” references because this shit is a vortex. Where’s the silver lining besides our Best Music list arriving tomorrow? We’d have to say that while our government’s impotence in raising the minimum wage will likely be stuck in its own vortex of “hold until after the primaries, please,” you can always make it in America on the skills you actually gained from that college education. Namely, blunt rolling, but more on that later.

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It was yet another month of lies, deceit, exploitation, and the surprise knowledge that Twilight fans are racist trolls. (Time to revamp the series with a third mythical creature!) We feel it’s the photo shown above that best indicates the static condition in our culture of crap. Look it’s a musician we’ve mostly forgotten about (notice she’s not promoting a new record), holding a famous cat from the Internet, and they both have the most adorable cause to promote! Has our generation’s Morrissey/Corgan of innocuous causes just been anointed? Is nothing the sign of the apocalypse anymore? Are we mad as hell, but totally taking in stride because that’s just how we do? Selah.

That time Apple and U2 docked us hard.

Don’t know what docking is?

It’s time you learn because it’s corporate America’s newest strategy in force feeding swill. Remember this month when U2, despite all you thought possible, appeared on your library like a venereal disease. And even though Apple offered free health care, it doesn’t erase the scars from double-ended douching.

Wocka Flocka Flame’s stimulus package

You know that old adage about “give a man a fish…”?

Well, Redman was first to empower us by teaching us to roll a blunt. This month Wocka Flocka Flame took it a step further by offering employment for having an expert level of craftsmanship in blunt rolling.

$50K, no vacations, no health care benefits… still better than being a home care worker.

Unfortunately, Seth Rogan is once again employed.

Julian Casablancas hates brunch

Congratulations to Julian for being winner of this month’s “I Got The Worst #thirdworldproblems” contest!

Your prize is Mark Kozelek showing up to your cottage door in Upstate New York and calling you a fucking hillbilly.


Apparently Coolio’s “Take It To The Hub” didn’t have that je ne sais quoi the music aficionados of Pornhub were seeking, so they did what any respectable upstart imprint would do… started a contest!

Turns out Pornhub are really good at being music moguls too. The artist gets $5K to make a music video that will then be used by Pornhub to help them add millions to their millions. Exploitation of the arts at its finest.

FKA Twigs encounters racist trolls

Our suspicions always veer towards celebrity flings being thinly-veiled publicity stunts to boost the sale of ___, and if there’s ever been a reason for such manipulation to end, this is it.

It really sucks that vampires and werewolves aren’t real (like Pattinson being friends with Death Grips ain’t real), but racist trolls exist.

Kanye performs a miracle

For those who may not want to believe that Kanye is, in fact, Yeezus, you only need to look at the recent miracle he performed in Sydney, Australia. Like the best televangelists, he found the less fortunate of us—those who “get special parking and shit”—and implored the entire audience to use the power of faith to help these unfortunate souls to stand. By the grace of God, they would walk! (Or dance, as his lord and savior had requested.) How can any of you disbelievers look at Kanye the same way knowing he was able to get a wheelchair-bound young man to rise before our very eyes? Oh, he didn’t get up? Well, in the words of Yeezus, “He is in a wheelchair. It’s fine!”

Mark Kozelek unchained

Mark Kozelek is the best kind of cranky.

The curmudgeonry is strong in Sun Kil Moon and growing stronger with each festival that he shares a bill with America’s favorite beer-rock bands, to the audience of nationwide hillbillies.

Fewer apologies, Mark… more renaming of Sun Kil Moon songs that suggest bands give you head, like an album’s worth.

Urban Outfitters’ “we suck” reminders

The Corporate Overlord of the Hipster Aesthetic is on a trail of insensitive sweatshirts and business blunders. Following slumping sales, Calvin Hollinger assured a Wall Street analyst that his company was the world’s leading seller of vinyl in support of his other, more realistic claim “music is very important to the Urban customer.”

Billboard recon work found that Amazon’s 12.3 percent market share was a pretty big leg up on Urban’s 8.1 percent. Shout out to fact checkers.

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