Time won't give me time

Greg Behrens

Hey friends! I'm sure some of you have been saying to yourself, 'Where the hell has Greg been? I've really missed his witty articles for the past month or so, they're really all that keeps me going in my humorless work-a-day world'. Well, in addition to being highly delusional about the loyalty of my readership, I also occasionally have eternal uphill battles with that sickening bastard, Father Time, and his complete disregard for all that needs to be done and figuring out when the fuck I'm gonna do it. For being absent, I do apologize, but not for my delusions, that's really all that keeps me going.

Time is an insufferable paradox. There is a never-ending supply of it, but you will never, ever be able to get enough of it. I don't really know what all that quite means, or even if that statement qualifies as a paradox, but fortunately for me, you're not gonna have the time to figure out if it's true. So far this year (that's already almost two months if you're keeping track) I have written two of these articles, done countless stand-up comedy sets in five different states, spent weeks rehearsing for, and now performing in a live sketch comedy show, all while working my 40-hour-per-week full-time job and trying to avoid being killed by my wife for never being home. I don't mention all this to brag about being productive in anyway, there's plenty of people who are dumb enough to have kids that have a ton more to get done than I do. I just want to make the point that although it may sound like a lot, I easily didn't get at least 8,000 more things done that I had planned because I couldn't find the time.

I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that I'm blameless in all of this, or that time is just some heartless bully, always lurking at the ready, waiting to crush my spirit, and hinder my ability to be productive. There were plenty of precious hours I could have utilized in far more imaginative ways than pounding 12-packs, murdering prostitutes in a digital alternate reality, and sleeping four hours a night, but hey, you can't spend all your time working. Some days are meant to be wasted. But how come those of us who would like to get more things done can't just find a few extra moments here and there? I know people who waste every waking moment they have. Surely someone like me could better utilize the time that they are squandering on pointless endeavors like charity work, running for political office, or raising children.

I guess my problem is with the rules of time in general. They're too rigid and I don't really seem to understand them at all. People constantly tell me, that I'm living on borrowed time, but I have never taken out an IOU for time, I didn't even know who you go to to set something like that up, and once again, you guessed it, I don't have the time. I also often hear people talking about the activities that they enjoy doing in their “spare time.” What the fuck is that, and how do I acquire it? I've lived for quite a good bit of time surprisingly, and I've never run across any spare, it's always just the same amount day in day out. I guess it doesn't matter though, the people who brag about doing things they enjoy during this so-called “spare time” are always just doing dumb shit like jogging cycling, or horseback riding. Get a car, losers.

It's just frustrating to watch so many people waste so much, while others who are being as resourceful as possible, still never have enough time to get it all done. When all is said and done however, I am grateful for the time I've had so far, and for what will surely keep coming because the clock never stops ticking, but as a typical greedy American, I want more. So if anyone out there wasting their precious time reading this can figure out a way to pass some extra off to me, I sure would appreciate it. I just renewed my Netflix subscription and I wanna get ripped, and marathon House of Cards, but I'm gonna need a little “spare time.”

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