R.I.P. Sparks

Jeremy Krinsley

No more caffeine or taurine = the end of gentrification as we know it.

<p>Targeted to kids? It was targeted to all those who couldn't afford cocaine, or the social-political implications of a Red Bull Vodka. Without Sparks to fire their bellies, how will hipsters have anonymous sex? How will noise disturbances reign deep into the night? Who will go to the Fader parties? Damn you Cuomo! Killing Sparks means killing the last chance for those ten-story luxury fuck pads sitting forty minutes from Manhattan to fill with inebriated co-eds spurred on by that saccharine chemical brew that never told us how drunk we were until we were waking up next to a loudly snoring stranger. Stock up, kids, cuz the round sitting in your local bodega shelves is last call.

As part of the agreement, MillerCoors agreed to remove caffeine, taurine, guarana and ginseng from Sparks and not produce caffeinated alcohol beverages in the future. The company also will pay $550,000 to cover the cost of the investigation into Sparks.

“They are fundamentally dangerous and put drinkers of all ages at risk,” New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo said in a statement of the drinks. “Today's agreement will ensure that from here on out, these drinks are kept off New York shelves and away from New York consumers.”

[via AP]

Anton Glamb, “Sparks”

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