In one of the worst storylines to start this NBA season, the 76ers organization is tanking hard to get another lottery pick in next year’s draft. This is the second year in a row that the Sixers are trying this strategy, but this year is especially egregious because of how early it is in the season, and the blatant disregard of the league’s salary requirements. The Sixers are $20 Million UNDER the contract floor, which means that difference will be split up amongst the players at the end of the year instead of using it to sign a decent player. In a game against the Houston Rockets where Philadelphia was up in the final seconds, head coach Brett Brown kicked an errant loose ball to a referee, resulting in a technical foul that gave the Rockets the advantage. They lost to the Dallas Mavericks by 53 points, and that was after they lost to the Toronto Raptors by 32 points the game before.
But before you go thinking they’ve reached rock bottom, we unveil 11 ways the 76ers could get even worse. Remember, the grass is always greener…
01. Bring Back Iverson
Sure he’s battled alcoholism, gambling, and other personal issues, but slap a new sticker on that fading skill set and watch him play 40 minutes of isolation ball a night, while the rest of the Sixers just stand around. Imagine the re-match of him and Kobe! (Oh, and the press conferences.)
02. Trade for Kobe Bryant, then refuse to play him
Kobe is a Philadelphia “native,” but the problem is he still likes to shoot and will actually score many buckets in a game. So dump your talent in a trade to the Lakers and let Kobe ride the bench until he boils over entirely, then watch as the game turns into the middle act of Falling Down.
03. Make Nerlens Noel cut his hair
The hightop is a great look for Noel, and is obviously his main source of power, so a team mandated haircut will zap all the juice out of Noel and bring his game stumbling to its knees.
04. Michael Carter-Williams resigns to become a full-time journalist
He penned an op-ed at the athlete-run Players Tribune stating that the players aren’t trying to tank. Which no one is thinking at this point. The front office is to blame for not putting any kind of team resembling an NBA franchise on the court every night. Let the reigning Rookie of the Year end his career now so he can turn his efforts into writing about things no one is blaming him for.
05. Spike their Gatorade
Whether it’s GHB or Lean, allow the Sixers to run on a slower playing surface by adding hallucinogens to the table. That might result in a defensive scheme where all the players cuddle in mid-court to stave off the acid horrors, but hey, could it be any worse than it is now?
06. Make Tony Wroten play with one hand tied behind his back
The lone offensive star on this dismal team is Wroten, averaging 20.3 points, 6.3 assists and 4.2 rebounds per game. This is supposed to be the kind of production that leads you to wins. Tony, don’t you know how to play Sixers Ball? That kind of stuff isn’t tolerated here.
07. Replace all Starters with NBA Mascots
Sure Bison from the Thunder will provide some inside game, but take away these guys’ trampolines and they’ll be stuck with poor floor spacing and lack of ball movement.
08. Just play the remainder of the games against the Harlem Globetrotters
Let the Washington Generals sit some games out. Those guys never catch a break against the antics of the Globetrotters. Plus, I’m sure someone in the Harlem organization can regale them with tales of appearing on Gilligan’s Island.
09. Replace various bench members with cardboard cut-outs
Nobody would be able to spot a Chris Johnson or a Drew Gordon if they walked into a room wearing a joint t-shirt that said “We’re Chris Johnson and Drew Gordon of the Philadelphia 76ers.”
10. Give 10-day contracts to various basketball bloggers
Start with the author of this piece. Look guys, I won’t ask for much, some new sneakers and some cash would be good. I promise to take as many bad shots as possible and do little on defense. Yes, I will accept a 30-day contract as well.
11. Build a time machine and stack the roster with draft busts
Kwame Brown in a Sixers uniform! Sam Bowie in a Sixers uniform! Michael Olowokandi in a Sixers uniform! Adam Morrison in a Sixers uniform! Pervis Ellison in a Sixers uniform! Darko Milicic in a Sixers uniform!