I was doing my normal unemployment walk of Internet shame this morning: sports scores, tumblr girls, inbox refreshing when I landed on a video still of my dear friend, Julian Dalrymple giving the old heave-ho to several imaginary hang-lows. That, actually, isn’t so out of the ordinary, but I happened to come across the video on Deadspin, which, if it was in fact him, would be a monumental victory for Mr. Dalrymple and the greater Northwest Indiana region.
The title of the article stub on Deadspin is “Some Jackass Made Blowjob Pantomimes Behind Home Plate…” so of course I had to click on it. And when the page’s video began playing I was rewarded with Julian gobbling up a seemingly infinite amount of ghost dick.
Mr. Dalrymple took a break from his obviously busy life to answer a few questions regarding his recent air-time.
Let us first address the big elephant in the room: Why are you a Cubs fan?
Suffice to say, that is a great question. The long and short of it is that I am a glutton for punishment. I, more or less, followed in my brother's footsteps of hating the White Sox and loving the Cubs, a decision, little did I know, would cause a great deal of pain and frustration.
Above: Julian's view, and proof – sort of – that he was the culprit
Describe how you found yourself behind home plate doing the mouth fun?
I had just finished working out at the gym that I belong to. The TV in the men's locker room had it on Comcast Sports Net. They showed a clip of a rain soaked Wrigley with Len Kasper saying, “The game will be played regardless of the time. Both teams have no more make up games for the rest of the season and the Pirates are still in the playoff hunt.” It was still pouring at 8:00pm, and I decided that if I wasn't sleepy by the time 10:30 came around that I would head over to Wrigley, seeing that it is only just two miles away from my apartment.
I bike over to the Wrigley Field box office around 10:30pm. I ask for the cheapest ticket they have. The ticket came out to $9, and I was told by the lady behind the booth that the upper deck was closed off, so I could sit anywhere within the bottom bowel. My eyes lit up! There must have been less than a thousand people strewed across the bottom part of the stadium. Originally, I sat roughly ten rows behind the plate. You could literally sit ANYWHERE you wanted. Joe Ricketts was at the game. If so, inclined, I could've sat next to him and his Tea Party donors. Fuck him, by the way! Security had no qualms with people sitting wherever they'd like. I then saw a few empty seats behind home plate right near the Budweiser sign. From there, I cozied up to a few people from Topeka, Kansas who were at their first Cubs game right behind the sign. Surprisingly, they didn't mind my antics. I had been picking my nose. Exposing my nipple. Pantomiming cunnilingus. Etc.
How has the season been for you?
My expectations have been relatively low considering the team has been fucked over from the wrath of Jim Hendry and the boondoggled contracts to the likes of Ryan Dempster, Carlos Zambrano, and Alfonso Soriano (players despite their pay, weren't paying off the dividends!) Like Obama and the state of the economy, I don't fault Epstein for such a lackluster season. In fact, next season may be even worse. So, yes, it'll most likely get worse before it gets better.
Despite what appears to be laughter from neighboring fans (and the tv announcers) you were eventually hauled off. How did security treat you?
Security was none to pleased, but it wasn't a “grab-him-by-the-arm-kick-him-to-the-curb” sort of ordeal. They were rather quiet and said, “Ok, time to go!” From there, a few fans that had thoroughly appreciated my antics started booing security for hauling me off. At one point, I did hear a fan yell, “Go back to Boystown!” They took me to the gate of the entrance where there were even more security. They asked for my ID and my ticket. They wrote it down and told me to leave. From there, they said, “have a nice night!” and I was on my way.
Is this a bucket list item you can now cross off?
Let me put it to you this way. I have won an Emmy. I was granted a scholarship from David Letterman. I've flown halfway across the world for my profession. And I've been asked by a lesbian couple to inseminate them. This, however, ranks up there in terms of crowning achievements.
How have friends and family and fellow employees reacted to the clip?
I hadn’t mentioned a word about it this morning. I was currently in the midst of wrapping up an edit when I hear my boss shout out: “Baby!!!! (That's my nickname here at the office) YOU MADE IT ON DEADSPIN!!!!!!!!!!” From there, I've been inundated with texts, emails, and Facebook messages from a slew of friends, family members, and ex-girlfriends.
Any future camera-bombing events planned?
Fuck man, Bears tickets are expensive this season, but why not? The sky's the limit!
