NFL Week 7: The Picks

Peter Cavanaugh

AP Photo | Elaine Thompson

If man is 5, then devil is 6, then it's Week 7. And this monkey is waiting for basketball season. How do you make a turn around after the universe does everything in her power to give you the victory, yet you still board the plane home with a fat L over your head? Not all teams are so miserable.

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Green Bay and the Giants were good. You could say beyond good, but sports illicit enough hyperbole that I'm not jumping on. Seattle surprised everyone except Seattle. Philly lost, which means Detroit won, which means Detroit might try to Domino's their season after all. But the real story is both Vick and Stafford threw for 311 yards.

We've been playing a lot of NFL Blitz around the office, and we're not saying it's influencing our picks this week, but we're not not saying it. Every game has the possibility to be interesting because at the end of the day it's just a bunch of humans on the field and humans are fragile and emotional things, prone to peak and valley at the wrong times. So while Green Bay should walk all over St. Louis, they may not. And while Jacksonville and Oakland might be a competitive game in that semi-tragic vibe of two couples competing in a potato sack race, I'll probably sleep through it.

It's really October now. Baseball is almost over. The Cowboys have just about trashed their season enough that I can move on to the next sport, and I mailed out my voter registration just on time. Where are you, dear Impose reader? Registered, I trust, and surely not pissing away your vote on the one that keeps binders of women and cherishes a nuclear family so long as it involves Adam and Eve rather than Adam and Steve. Line 'em up boys, it's your Week 7 picks.

Seattle at San Francisco
We just sat there yelling “Beast Mode” at the TV. Lynch ran over a few dudes for us, but Gore got more yards. And San Fran got more points. And now the NFC West is officially competitive.

Tennessee at Buffalo
“Matt Hasselbeck looks to have his way with the porous Buffalo secondary.” He's not the worst QB starting this weekend. It's just, it's Hasslebeck. Some days I wake up really happy that I don't have a son and I don't live in Buffalo and his first NFL game isn't the Titans versus the Bills. Bills by 10.

Washington at NY Giants
We're all feeling good that RGIII recovered from his concussion in time to lead the Skins past the Vikings last week. It definitely makes it easier to forget about one of the slippery sides of the NFL workings. Oh well, we're nearly halfway into the season, you can be sure our blinders are well secured. Too bad they play the G-Men. Giants by 14.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Tampa Bay hasn't had a home game televised since last December. Somehow they met the threshold, yet there are still nearly 3,000 tickets remaining. Glad I'm not the only one who doesn't care. Saints by 12.

Dallas at Carolina
Cam Newton goes home during the bye week to drive go-carts and get a pep talk from Papa Newton. “It's easy to lead a team when you're 4-1, but the real leaders surface when you're 1-4.” Or something like that. Though, that might've actually been Coach Taylor from my FNL marathon last night. Cowgirls by 21.

Baltimore at Houston
As long as Ray Lewis is fit to give the pregame speech, then I wouldn't worry Baltimore. Actually, scratch that. You nearly gave Dallas the win last week, and we all know how pliant they are. Houston by 6.

Cleveland at Indianapolis
Some joke about Paul Ryan confusing the Browns QBs and how Andrew Luck makes funny faces during press conferences. Obviously my interests lie elsewhere. Colts by 23.

Green Bay at St. Louis
Uninspired upset pick of the week. Rams by 18.

Arizona at Minnesota
This game is almost the same as Monday night's matchup of Detroit at Chicago. The stakes are the same, all four teams on the verge of showing their true selves, one or two losses away from America saying, “Yup, saw that coming.” Who holds out the longest? Minnesota by 3.

NY Jets at New England
That was fun New York. You got to beat up on little, maimed Indy. Like students reveling in the leisure Fall Break affords them, but now school is back in session and you have to show up to class and Tom Brady is going to drill you senseless. Pats by 27.

Jacksonville at Oakland
Nope, not interested.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
A game made interesting by the fact that Pittsburgh has a pretty shitty record and two of the more annoying audience contributions will be present: The Terrible Towels and “Who Dey.” Pittsburgh by 15.

Detroit at Chicago
How do we avoid the obvious, “Both teams really need a win”? Probably by just linking to the tried and true: Smokin' Jay Cutler.
Bears by 7.

Year-end Predictions, take heed:
AFC Champs – Houston Texans

NFC Champs – Dallas Cowboys

Super Bowl Champs – Dallas Cowboys

Season MVP – Tony Romo

Offensive Player of the Year – Marshawn Lynch
Defensive Player of the Year – J.J. Watt

Rookie of the Year – RGIII


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