NFL Week 8: The Picks

Peter Cavanaugh

Dennis Wierzbicki | USA Today

Is the glass half full or half empty? There's no metaphor. It's just a question. It's been a long week, and though a win is a win, a beer is a beer is a beer. At least the season is nearly half begun. Oh, I see it now. The season, I'd rather say, is nearly half over.

Everyone everywhere is injured and those who aren't couldn't catch a social disease after a week partying with the Gronk, let alone catch a football. Eli still has the smooth talking prowess of a potato, but now that his brother is in Denver and – dare we say – on a slow decline (no we can't say that, he's still insanely good), is getting his fair share of the national hype machine. Chris Johnson has found his legs in recent weeks, but reports are saying not a soul is holding its breath. Freeman put up silly numbers against the Saints, but that bayou voodoo led Brees and company to victory.

Two questions before we yet again give you this week's cheat sheet. One: The rule stating something about a player who goes out of bounds may not be the first person to make a play on the ball, how did that come about and why? Two: Does Brees and other Saints-affiliated people do a lot of work for New Orleans, or can I really put my shoulder into a hate campaign against this team?

Who's singing the Monday Night Football theme song these days? Would have been nice to have one of those intros for the debate the other night. Didn't seem to matter, though, as the gloves are officially off. We all saw that Ann Coulter's sure are. As is her Broca's area, but that's nothing new, and that's nothing to do with Week 8.

Pour one out for the kid, Sean Lee. Tell your parents you love them. And don't look back. Here are your answers for the weekend.

Tampa Bay at Minnesota
Welp, just when you were nervous shelling out that extra yart-fifty a month for the NFL Channel wasn't worth it, you get this barn burner. Minnesota by 5

Carolina at Chicago
We can't criticize Cam's behavior because it's racially charged. I get Moon's logic: black QB X is acting this way, that reminds me of black QB Y. People are being lazy when they do that. The Jay Cutler whine-o-bot comparison is a fun one, but it's just too bad Cam doesn't have the Bear's defense to fall back on. Bears by 15

San Diego at Cleveland
Towelgate is the dominating conversation going into this game. There is something called Towelgate, and people making loads more than me are making loads more talking about it. Cleveland by 12

Seattle at Detroit
Detroit is the new Dallas. And despite trying earnestly to ruin their season better than the Cowboys, there's no way Pete Carroll takes his team into Detroit for a win. Lions by 10

New England at St. Louis
Oh, hell. Who knows? Just when St. Louis looked like it might have a pulse, they've been relegated to the effectiveness level of Chris Johnson or Peyton Hillis. And New England, same damn story. They cancel out, then. Pats by 27

Miami at NY Jets
My roommate, Miles is a good guy, but he's also a Jets fan. I asked his opinion on the game. He looked nervous at what might happen if Miami wins. For his sake… Jets by 10

Atlanta at Philadelphia
Little known fact: Atlanta is 0-34 when playing against other bird-themed teams, while Philly is 27-1 (their first bird-loss having come in week three to the Cards). They're at home, it's getting cold. Philly by 3

Washington at Pittsburgh
At Washington, I got RGIII doing his video game thing all over the field. Throws 250+ and runs 60+. Big Ben gets knocked enough times he starts to realize the damage he's put those girls through. But they're in Pittsburgh. Steelers by 12

Jacksonville at Green Bay
“Blaine Gabbert is going to suit up Sunday!” shouts no one to nobody. Green Bay by 21

Indianapolis at Tennessee
Though fallen on hard times, they're still divisional foes. They say everyone will be getting up for this game. It's yet to be determined if Chris Johnson is included when reporters say “everyone.” Indy by 8

Oakland at Kansas City
Oh, cool.

NY Giants at Dallas
Home away from home: Meadowlands South, as the Internet calls it. I have no idea what to expect. I'll watch, sure, with the sweatshirt, the slippers. This just might be it for me. Dallas by 37

New Orleans at Denver
No one likes Drew Brees. Peyton Manning by 23

San Francisco at Arizona
Pardon my French, but Arizona has turned trés épouvantable. San Fran by 4

Year-end Predictions, take heed:
AFC Champs – Houston Texans
NFC Champs – Dallas Cowboys
Super Bowl Champs – Dallas Cowboys
Season MVP – Tony Romo
Offensive Player of the Year – Peyton Manning
Defensive Player of the Year – J.J. Watt
Rookie of the Year – RGIII

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