Treasured Trolls

Phillip Shive

Right around SXSW time everyone gets even more sleep deprived, stressed-out, drunk and crazy than usual. The status of my morale and everything in general was one-hundred, and by that I mean, it was knee-deep in the suck. I’ve been steadily working on this SXSW tour for David Liebe Hart Band for about 3 months, and in the last couple weeks, I’ve watched many dates disintegrate right before my peepers. I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve emailed a zillion folks to salvage, with little response. “Are there any other venues in Marfa, Texas?” “Any Adult Swim fans in Odessa?” “Anyone in Lubbock allowed to return phone calls or internet messaging systems?” “Can we play the field in Brownfield?” “How about a few nice steak dinners for some fine entertainment at your Amarillo Steakhouse?” None, Nein, Fail, Fucking A.

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I banged my head against the wall and drink poison till the sandman put me down.

On Wednesday, March 7, I woke up and powered on my computer. I did not open Entourage. I went to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese’s Facebook page and left a little rude post. I trolled. It had been a long time since I did gangster shit on the Internet, and it felt good. I shared my post and was happy to see it create mirth and blissfullness all around the facespace. I felt five-hundred, and by that I mean, I was doing alright.

So I kept going. This activity was popular enough with my friends that I created a special Facebook page for it. Here are some examples of my trollventures all over the universe of tacky corporate Facebook pages.

Butterball:

Fritos deleted this from their page in less that seven seconds.

Hillshire Farm:

They had a response to my complaint:

Urban Outfitters:

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the posting that began my reign of terror.

Marie Callendar's:

Egg Beaters:

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