Now that you found love, what're you gonna do with it? Below is a prejudice run-down of NYC's most Facebooked Valentine nightlife, organized into categories.
FREAK DAT BODY
THE BOWERY ELECTRIC
w/ Tonstartssbandht,100 Lbs, Hagfish & Poet Lounge, Patrick Higgins/Lea Burtucci Duo, Diamond Terrifier, The Oracle DJs, DJ Artanker, Trouble VJs
Lounge-y club with exposed brick and a backlit bar to offer your sweetheart a touch of class that will be cut repeatedly as it travels from catatonic art-drone to rock and roll with a 90's sensibility until finally arriving at pop sludge – which all work particularly well for humping.
Outfit: something low-cut and drape-y, with fringe.
w/ DJ Jonathan Toubin
Jonathan Toubin, everybody's fantasy wedding DJ, gets Williamsburg's top OK Cupid bar wiggling for Valentine's Day. Take this opportunity to fall in love with your confused existence all over again.
Outfit: paisley, PVC dresses, exposed chest hair.
BODY ACTUALIZED CENTER
w/ Labanna Babylon, gorgeousTaps, Angelina Dreem, Melike, DJ Amourette, DJ Strange English, Amy Jenkins, Lucid Harrington
When the barriers between yoga and performance art and orgy and “just us girls eating chocolate on Valentine's 'cause guys suck” become clear as shower curtains there is literally only one thing left to do – get a small reptile, braid it into your hair, and slither out to BAC.
Outfit: silk parachute pants, nail extensions, cornrows adorned with snakes, bejeweled happy trail.
Price: $5-$10 sliding scale
HOUSE OF SCREWBALL
w/ Miss Darcey, DJ Sex Libris, Jane LeCroy, Matthew Silver, Philipe Philippsen
Performance art house party with ancient undertones – tarot readings, a dude dressed as John the Baptist offering himself sexually, poetry, and accordions. Never a need to graffiti walls with, “Keep Bushwick Weird,” ever.
Outfit: exposed breasts covered in electrical tape, powdered chest hair.
PANOPLY PERFORMANCE LABORATORY
w/ Ivy Castellanos, Christen Clifford, Lorene Bouboushian, Katie Donut, Ana Dorado, Lindsey Drury, Paige Fredlund, Maria Hupfield, Jessica Kaire, Valerie Kuehne, Esther Neff, and Quintan Ana Wikswo
A series of performances examining positive, proactive feminist ontology, to the tune of, “Man, I feel like a woman.”
Outfit: exposed breasts covered in electrical tape, armpit hair dyed green, no makeup.
w/ Splash, Sofa Club, Alice Cohen, Lingerie, DJ Terekke
Euro-80's-prom-fuck-fantasy in the heart of Condo Williamsburg.
Outfit: scarves, leather pants, fake moles, happy trails au naturale, sequin cocktail dresses scrunched up into itchy male tanktops.
HOUSE OF YES
w/ Dirtyfinger, Small Change, DJ Shakey
Perfect Thursday night rave if your Valentine is a rambler you met while crossing the blood-brain barrier on the J.
Outfit: rayon bustiers, silk parachute pants, Livestrong bracelets.
Without prior experience on the matter I'll refer to the user review: “Mr Italy…wow!”
Outfit: pink tanktop, fake engagement ring, wearing a veil and telling the guys that you're a bachelorette, despite the desperation in your eyes.
CUTE — BUT IS IT BETTER THAN OYSTERS?
w/ Total Slacker, Hunters, Xray Eyeballs, Cassie Ramone, DJ Serpent (DIIV), DJ Rambo
Nothing says, “Delete my number” like a V-Day in Union Square.
Outfit: jeans, a tee, sneakes.
LE POISSON ROUGE
w/ Teengirl Fantasy, Laurel Halo, Kelela, La Big Vic (Record Release Party) and Fatherhood (DJs Michael Magnan x Physical Therapy)
We get it: the Poison Fish is kind-of French, and in going to this show, “music” is your Valentine. It's a stretch, that's all I'm saying.
Outfit: black velvet, Vespa helmets.
Price: $12a, $14d
w/ DJ SpeakerFoxx
The event's smooth jazz advertisement gif crashed my browser, which is fine because it's miseleading. This will be a sweat lodge in a former Jimmy Jazz storefront, cramped with 10000 clean-looking youth chugging sponsored liquor, none of whom are on dates.
Outfit: some bullshit from Opening Ceremony.
w/ Lemonade, ILLLS, Empress Of, DJ Heathered Pearls, DJ Evan Michael
The concept of neutrality in an e-flame war may be baffling but I can't make an argument for or against this party. It just is.
Outfit: the robe you stole from Night Spa.
Price: $10a, $12d
EVENTS THAT ARE STRAIGHT BLIND TO MY NEEDS: Has the D-I-Y community lost its loving feeling?
THE SILENT BARN
w/ Zula, Jane Eyre, Quiet Loudly, Slonk Donkerson
Maybe they thought it was O.K. to lovelessly promote this show because one of the bands has a dick name.
Outfit: who cares
BIG SNOW BUFFALO LODGE
w/ Mechanical Animals, siff-RIP-us, Pajama People, Ice Cream
Pajamas and ice cream sound better than going to this totally unromantic getaway.
Outfit: something with a lot of secret pockets