1. It makes you stupider for having listened to it.
Not every song needs to be a Mensa exercise, but I’d like to be able to remember when to use a semi colon and what twenty percent of a tip is. Since you insisted on this being the feel good hit of the universe, I’ve forgotten my middle names and how to tie a bowtie.
2. It’s dubstep.
3. It’s mad wiggerish.
Kreayshawn is a tiny white girl who refers to her posse as her “sistas” and uses racial slurs in a sanctimonious fashion. I understand that the streets of East Oakland can be frightening, but dropping out of film school in Berkeley isn’t really the point of sale I want my rap coming from. If she were a tiny white male, Rick Ross would be planning on deep frying Kreayshawn and serving her to his crew with a side of grits.
4. You told me that you have two Louis Vuitton purses on hold.
“Gucci Gucci” is a song about not needing to brand yourself with labels, and yet you love flashing your credit card-scorching articles all over the bar. You’re using the song as an accessory and remember, when accessorizing always take off the last thing you put on. I figured out that you shouldn’t pay more for brand name apparel when I was nine and the nerdy kid in “Kick Butt” jogging pants couldn’t stop himself from getting his nose bloodied while playing soccer-baseball.
5. I got you a Minipops album to act as methadone.
You’re addicted, I get it. You’re a tiny girl who loves Inside Edition and you had no chance from the start against this drug. I sendspaced you a Minipops album that I’m pretty sure has a Kurtis Blow cover on it. This should get you through the week.