Morrissey bravely cancels tour after being betrayed by apostle

John Ambrosio

morrissey jesus priest

Morrissey, seen here deep in contemplative thought.

When Morrissey announced that he had to cancel his tour due to illness, fans were understandably disappointed, but new word is coming from Morrissey that he may have been the victim of more a nefarious plot than previously suspected.

According to the the 55-year-old singer and savior of all mankind, his opening act and wolf in sheep’s clothing Kristeen Young may in fact have deliberately spread her vile and as-of-yet-unidentified disease to Morrissey.

The Judas, Young, has obviously denied these claims, saying that she merely had an “allergy attack” in Miami, a city known for its vibrant Latin flavor and distinctly un-pollinated air.

“I am very sorry that Morrissey is not feeling well,” Young, who was kicked off a Morrissey tour in 2007 for being a potty-mouthed sinner, wrote. “But I will not tolerate these lies, particularly about my health. This is really too much and bizarre.”

Right now it remains unclear if Young accepted 30 pieces of silver from a Roman judge or not, but Morrissey is advising his followers that it is safest to operate under that assumption.

Morrissey collapsed while performing in Boston on June 7, and was only spared from a worse fate thanks to his boundless faith in himself and his sense of duty to forge a path for the salvation of all mankind. Morrissey, of course, preaches that salvation can be found through buying his albums, being gentle and kind, and abstaining from eating meat (which is a sin he ranks on the same level as pedophilia).

Our Lord and savior is now recovering, but just to play it safe has decided to cancel the remaining two and a half weeks of shows he had scheduled.

Understandably shaken from the ordeal, Morrissey made his best attempt to assuage the worries of his devoted fans and worshipers.

“Fear not,” shouted Morrissey from atop a mountain in Needham, Mass., dressed in an elegant white robe. “For as it is written in the Book of Revelations: ‘The seventh angel sounded his guitar, and there were loud voices in heaven, which said: “The kingdom of the world has become the kingdom of our Lord and of his Morrissey, and he will reign for ever and ever.’”

Previous speculation that Morrissey's tour would resume after three days has been dispelled, proving that this is more of an Elijah-ascending-to-heaven type of thing, and as such it remains uncertain when Morrissey will be back on tour. One thing's certain, however, this will Never. Happen. Again.

At press time our Lord Mozz was last seen counting his money and laughing.

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