PART ONE: BREAKFAST
I tried the whole vegan thing in college for 6 months – mostly because I had gained the “freshman 15”. I thought to myself, “you can do this, look there's vegan chocolate mousse at Whole Foods and Earth Balance butter!” I fantasizied about finding Mr. Right while both reaching for the same carton of soymilk then running like 9 miles together. I got excited to try new recipes using dairy substitutes. Then I watched in horror as I took my vegan “pizza” out of the oven only to find huge chunks of almond cheese still totally intact on top of my vegetables. And that sicks me out. Is it still hip to be vegan? Most vegans have to let you know how vegan they are in normal conversation. “Oh um, I stopped going to McDonalds because I can't. I'm VEGAN.” And I'm like “Chill out, I just said I need a McFrappe….and it's gotta be a MEDIUM.” Clearly I'm not impressed if you are vegan. So I'm writing this as a celebration of cheese, milk, eggs, butter, and everything that perks you up to drag you down.
SEXY CREPE AND SALTY CREPE
(Makes 12 crepes)
We're going to start by making basic crepes that will serve for our sweet and savory recipes.
- 1 Cup Flour
- 2 Cups Milk
- 3 Eggs
- 2 Tbs Melted Butter
- 1 tsp White Sugar
- 1 tsp Ground Flax Seed
- 1/4 tsp Salt
Combine dry ingredients in a small bowl and wet ingredients in a medium sized bowl.
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Slowly add the dry mix to the wet mix while whisking constantly to prevent lumps.
On a low heat, melt a small pad of butter in a 10″ non-stick frying pan. Add one ladle of batter per crepe. Each crepe needs about 2 minutes to fry on both sides or until browned to your liking. Don't freak out if they all don't look the exact same. Just like men, all crepes are different! Some are darker than others, some lighter. Some are thicker, some are thinner…some are HUGE! 🙂 🙂 And some are small. Some are rough around the edges and others are shaped funny. Some are just perfect! XXX
Set all those yummy crepes aside and let's work on what's going to fill 'em up
Our sexy sweet filling is a total vegan nightmare!! CHOCOLATE and CHEESE!!
- 1 Cup Ricotta Cheese
- 3/4 Cup Whipped Cream Cheese
- 2 Tbs Powdered Sugar
- 1 1/2 Cups Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips
Combine your Whipped Cream Cheese and Ricotta in a small bowl. Mix in powdered Sugar.
Now try a little bit. Is it sweet enough? Do you need to eat one more tablespoon just to make sure? Go ahead, Ricotta is healthy, it has water in it. This mixture is so tasty on its own, you can use it for French Toast also.
Time for chocolate. Really, when is it not time for chocolate? Oooooohhhhhh yeah, if you're vegan. Sometimes I think about chocolate instead of whether I can cross the street or not. In a lightly buttered non-stick pan, dump your chocolate chips in over a low heat. Stir constantly until the chocolate chips melt into a thick paste.
OH SHIT IT'S ASSEMBLY TIME!!!! I didn't make it to this point with out sticking my pinky finger in this chocolate like one or twelve times.
Spread the chocolate out evenly on 6 crepes. Remember, the other 6 are for the Salty Crepe. Remember you are also totally going to go to yoga tomorrow so don't start losing me here thinking about calories! Oh shit, I already lost you? Then look up some of your old high school friends on Fbook who already had kids then feel better! Depending on how creamy you like things, spoon 2-3 Tablespoons of the sweet cream on top.
Now let's make this Salty dog!
- 6 Eggs
- 1 Cup grated Sharp Chedddar
- 8 handfulls of raw Spinach
- 4 Cloves Garlic
- 1/2 Cup Chopped Red Onion
- 3 Tbs Olive Oil
- Salt and Pepper to taste
This is like the Yang to the Yin of the Sexy sweet Crepe. What girl hasn't fantasized about not wearing anything but whipped cream? Maybe even some chocolate drizzle too just for an “artisic” touch? Hell if it were me I would just cover my body in those sweet crepes. Check out how Jessica Simpson started the edible line of skin care products! Maybe she's a freak! Did those ever get popular? Anyway, salty crepe is reminds me more of a man who comes from France but is addicted to American diner food (like me) and has maybe lost his edge.
Whisk one egg at a time in a small bowl and pour into a small non-stick skillet.
Do you know how to multi-task? I mean besides drunk sexting and driving at the same time? While you're making these thin egg layers, one at a time, we also need to start cooking down the spinach. Chop all of the garlic and onion and toss it into a medium sized pot with the Olive Oil. Add the spinach and keep an eagle eye on it so it doesn't get droopy (ew) while simultaneously flipping one egg at a time in your small skillet.
IT'S ASSEMBLY TIME!! Wow you've come a long way! You went from sneaking pieces of chocolate and stalking the knocked up high scool cheerleader on Fbook to powerhousing through this salty crepe! Lay your 6 thin egg layers on top of each of your 6 remainining crepes.
Then generously grate the Sharp Cheddar and evenly distribute the sauteed spinach on each crepe.
For the Sexy crepes, fold into thirds and dust with powdered sugar. For the Salty crepes, fold in half like a quesadilla and drizzle with hot sauce.
It's the best of both worlds–sweet and salty! I feel sorry for the vegans who can't partake in this total food coma!!! “Oh um, you don't get any because you can't have any. You're VEGAN.” Time to get another McFrappe.
