7 goals for my first Comic-Con

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My first Comic-Con experience is nearly upon me and I couldn't be more excited! In one hangover's time I descend into sunny southern California for the country's largest gathering of basement dwellers. Nerd euphoria is just one way I've heard used to describe the collection of video games, comic books, and movie memorabilia held within the massive San Diego Convention Center. My Batman-sense is tickling already and the thought of possibly meeting my favorite childhood crime fighting heroes, Jake and the Fat Man, has me shaking with anticipation. A pseudo spin-off of Matlock, that then spunoff Diagnosis: Murder, J & and the F man, as I never called them, is like the cream filling in a generic 80's crime drama sandwich cookie. So good.

A week long barrage of geeky delicacies is not as enticing to me, as it may be to say, causing fellow comedians to deem me unworthy of attending such a prestigious event. “You haven't even seen Man of Steel yet!” they shout… or at least I assume they do. I usually stop listening when they start talking about the effects of Kryptonite on Superman's junk… normally takes about 25 seconds. Truth be told, the world of capes, super villains, and independently wealthy men who abandon high society functions mid-conversation to fight crime is a foreign one to me, but just because I don't dream of spending my evenings cracking the skulls of purse-snatchers with my scantily-clad boy sidekick doesn't mean the magic of Comic-Con is lost on me. Quite the contrary. I anticipate a sensory overload, the likes of which I have never encountered.

Expectations run high with more to see than super-humanly possible and I would be a fool to attend without a game plan. So the following is my wish list of things I'd like to do at my very first Comic-Con. I think you will find my demands quite reasonable:

1. See a guy dressed as Superman, arguing with a guy dressed as Iron Man, over which episode of the second Star Wars trilogy is the worst. This would be funny for two reasons:

  1. It's a trick question. Technically, all three of those movies are actually the worst.
  2. Iron Man wouldn't waste time debating with a lowly news reporter. He's a billionaire.

2. Meet Alf. This should realistically be number 1, as it's a top priority, but I wanted to lead off with something funny. I never thought I would have an actual chance of running into my comedy hero, Gordon Shumway, but this could be it.

3. Engage someone in conversation about something, inappropriately, according to how they're dressed. Comic-Con is a cosplayers paradise. Therefore, you can find any number of crazy fans adorned in the guise of their favorite iconic film character. Nothing would give me more pleasure than going up to a someone in an elaborate homemade Klingon costume, and asking them how they felt when Greedo shot first.

4. Try out for Glee.

5. Go to a marijuana dispensary. This is really more of a California wish list item than a Comic-Con one, but…when in Rome….get fuckin' stoned. But seriously, this is a thing I'm going to do, as it will enhance all subsequent list items.

6. See trailers for upcoming films I'm excited for. We all know how excited people can get about impending sci-fi blockbusters, but never has it been more true than right now. Short Circuit, The Neverending Story, and Annie are all slated for Hollywood makeovers this year, but none of these can't-miss opportunities, can hold a candle to the most anticipated remake in the history of film regurgitation… Drop Dead Fred starring Russell Brand. There better be a big ass booth for this.

7. Test drive the Playstation 4!! Now, some people are probably saying to themselves, you know, you could try both the Playstation 4, and the Xbox One, then compare the two and make an educated decision about which one is the right system for you. Those people are stupid. Fuck Xbox.

Obviously, the possibilities are endless, but I'm gonna stop on lucky 7 because I've got two layovers in Las Vegas on this trip, and I don't need anything jinxing me out of winning a pocketful of beer money at an airport lounge slot machine. I may not be the worthiest nerd who ever set foot into the labyrinth of booths, and gauntlet of costumed weapons vendors that is Comic-Con, but after this trip, I think I'll have earned enough geek street cred, that the creepy guy at the record store might just invite me to his next Dragons and Dungeons match. That'd be sweet.