Ahead of the forthcoming announcement of Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez's suspension for indulging in a Requiem For A Dream-level cocktail of PEDs over the series of his career* we thought the man could use a little job counseling. Not known to have any other skills besides putting balls in faraway places, we're sure the fret of having to leave baseball for an “indeterminate” and “likely indefinite” amount of time is scaring the pinstripes right off of his true-blues. We won't leave you hanging, you big hunk of artifice. For the following list, we've consulted with the best career counselor in the game, Nicholas Dogburn, who has helped every struggling ex-athlete to get back on their feet again free of charge.** And to honor A-Rod's spoiled number, we've capped the list at 13. Take it away, Dogburn. What can our boy do now?
There is a reason they used to call pharmacists "druggists." You think these doctorate-educated scientists actually GAF about doling out drugs to patients? Nah. Nah. It's about smoking the stash. Taking a little off the top. It's only going to enhance your performance. Not to mention, you know so much anyway, you could definitely get an honorary pharmacuetical degree from Phoenix University.
Star in a Magic Mike remake.
You know, for the ladies.
Stand-in stunt double for Dwayne Johnson*
*Needs more steroids.
Closer for the Phillies
Tired of having someone who speaks his mind, your discretion would be welcome in their clubhouse.
Star in a video series of Sweatin' to the Oldies with Jose Canseco.
Work it out, bruh.
Mayor of NYC
Lord knows the New York mayoral race could use a shot in the arm. We hear the name Charles Peligro is available.
Speech writer for future steroids abusers.
You've been so good at totally deadpanning for the press thus far—it could be a lucrative career in bullshitting that doesn't involve taking a drug test!
Hand model for Muscle Milk.
We know those pretty digits you've got on your hands could really entice people to get into this delicious non-milk beverage. And it's the safer way to bulk up, which we know you've been advocating.
Inventor of the Canadian tuning fork
An Eh-Rod. GET IT?!?!
Don't know what this pays, but you can finally run off with that one you've been so breezily in love with all these years.
Seems super lucrative.
Eh, then again…
Singing telegrams for divorcees
If Patrick Stickles of Titus Andronicus is not above going door to door to bring a little melodic love to the world, then you shouldn't be either. Make your service specific to divorcees (like Madonna or Kate Hudson) and you'll be making that Christmas cash in no time.