Singing, “Baby, You're a Rich Man” to yourself all week doesn't actually make you a rich man. But dividing your inheritance up and putting it on the Chargers, Panthers, and Skins in Week 14 sure does.
We did lose a small amount on the Cardinals, who are doing a knock up job at making that 4-0 start seem like a distant memory. Once a team is up 40-0, you begin to empathize with the losing squad, but there's that gross car-wreck side of you that really wants to see just how big the margin can get. We didn't need the Cardinals to win. We were already on our way. Those aforementioned teams – those with a previously combined record of 13-23 taken on three teams with a previously combined record of 27-9 – won us a boatload of money.
Picture a boatload of money. It's roughly the size of a boat.
We bought back our editor's finger, we settled the score with our bookies. There was still plenty left for steaks and a short residency up at Sin City. It was a good week. But that was last week, and this is this week. Week 15, if my calendar is reading true. Fill up your Fjallraven backpack with money, and meet me at the corner.
Cincinnati at Philadelphia
Cincy took the Thursday night game by a wide margin, but very few were convinced what happened was actually football.
NY Giants at Atlanta
The easy narrative of Atlanta seeking redemption after their embarrassment in Carolina, blah blah. The Giants finding their perennial late-season stride, blah blah. Is this a preview of the NFC Championship Game? Is Eli Manning still a robot? Dirty Birds by 7
Jacksonville at Miami
The annual celebrate the 1972 Dolphins thing has been going on all week. It's hard to imagine an organization so tightly tethered to a past accomplishment ever being able to move forward. We need to get them all on the couch and talk it out. We'll sort it out just after this pointless game against the Jags. Miami by 10
Green Bay at Chicago
People are wary to congratulate the Colts thus far, saying yes the turn around is great, but their record is inflated. Take a look at Green Bay. The Pack should be a good team, but we could say the same thing concerning their record. The Bears against the Packers should always be a good game, but overall these teams are making it very hard to trust them. Bears by 14
Washington at Cleveland
Assuming the Cowboys will be the Cowboys, we're making a late-season siding with the Skins. They're not that amazing, but they're fun as hell. RGIII will probably have his career shortened by risky play calls and overuse – we still don't even know if he's getting the start Sunday – but who cares? Redskins by 3
Minnestoa at St. Louis
Both teams need a win and some help to get after that wild card spot. That's about all there is to say concerning this game. Vikings by 13
Denver at Baltimore
The Impose Wündergame of the Week. Denver by a pizza.
Indianapolis at Houston
Andrew Luck is like that 10-year old you put in accelerated classes. Most of the time he's solving things beyond your grasp, but then some days he wakes up, jumps into your bed and farts right over your face and you have to remind yourself that he is only 10. Luck is still just a rookie. This isn't their year, but then it doesn't need to be. Houston by 31
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
I don't know. Tampa Bay by 10? New Orleans by 31?
Detroit at Arizona
So Arizona didn't “quit” because god dammit, we don't just quit. And now they'll host Detroit and for a moment, maybe, they'll play something nearing football and we can relax. But then we'll remember they're playing lowly Detroit, and the only headlines following the Lions this season have been in regards to foul play. We don't want to say Arizona sports teams have been cursed since the horrible, unethical, and ignorant immigration laws were signed, but… Lions by an immigrant.
Carolina at San Diego
Hey, Greg Hardy get the fuck off my weekly picks. Chargers by 43
Seattle at Buffalo
Pete Carroll sends his regards to the NFL for these late-season cupcakes. That wildcard slot is getting pretty comfy for Seattle. Seahawks by 21
Pittsburg at Dallas
The Boys return to Meadowlands West. Two storied franchises going through a serious bout of anemia. Cowboys by 317
Kansas City at Oakland
San Francisco at New England
I'm really still confused about the San Fran quarterback situation. Alex Smith had a concussion, but he's fit now? Kaepernick had a good game, so Harbaugh is keeping him in? Actually, I don't really care. The Patriots are insane this season, and evidently it's such a tired storyline we keep forgetting how good they are. Patriots by 23
NY Jets at Tennessee
Wow, what a great Monday night matchup. I'm sure all the companies that dumped a bunch of money on prime commercial slots are overcome with joy right now that these two teams will be squaring off. I just called my bookie and put $300 on the chance that the old Ms. Rex Ryan foot video will get more views Monday than this game. Jets by a toe
Year-end Predictions, take heed:
AFC Champs – Houston Texans
NFC Champs – Dallas Cowboys
Super Bowl Champs – Dallas Cowboys
Season MVP – Tony Romo
Offensive Player of the Year – Adrian Peterson
Defensive Player of the Year – J.J. Watt
Rookie of the Year – RGIII