The app store suddenly went German, months after my trip. I could not figure out what I did that triggered the whole thing, I wasn’t stoned yet. It was a good year; we basically broke even and got to keep our clothes. I was wandering around the living room having forgot why I was even in there. Ah ha! Some poor drunkard left behind a GI Spec 3 bag with a classy one-hitter case made of dark wood, packed with some stuff from the middle kingdom. The Germans were fucking with me. That old oregano was strong. Alas I Recalled I was thawing out some half-moon cookies that I’d imported from a Utica Walmart around Christmas, where I received the worst hair cut in recent American history. I switched things back to English and my mom was on the line about an Old Navy gift card and autism being highly probable for my first kid unless I adopted.
I felt that I’d vaguely succeeded in fooling her into thinking I wasn’t baked after dragging my horrified brain through 20 more minutes of stuff about my estranged grandmother, who told us we were Irish, a conspiracy she apparently designed in an effort to hide the identity of my adopted great grandfather who, unbeknownst to me was recently revealed to have been born from Jewish parents back in old Germany around WW1. I was over there with my band in the fall crisscrossing through the mainland awash with hard rolls and cold latrines. I learned nothing and mostly drank. The only thing I can remember is an elderly gay gentleman in Berlin trading me a bag of hash for a vinyl. We were listed on our rider as being omnivores, so we’d show up to the place where they invented bratwurst and eat Tempeh. Sometimes I’d sneak out for street food, and Starbucks if I could get it, otherwise you get this stuff that’s like an Americano made by a guy who’s just been told he’s going to be used as a human bomb to blow up a sewage treatment plant, three cups of water and bitter chaff. I’d heard the Americano came about in WW2 to supply US soldiers with a substitute to coffee. In the Civil War Confederates had to use chicory and various nuts. The Union Army cut off supplies. I’d have switched sides.
Americano, sounds like an insult. One lady in Paris waved me off when I ordered a “café con leche” and told me “stop pointing like a fucking animal!” Spies in Stuttgart intercepted us, as we did not have any tickets. Our manager talked the undercover transit cops down to a $35 Euro fine, the first of many ball bustings. At the end of the tour we paid off the Promoter and borrowed money from our driver to get McDonalds. The one hitter turned out to be Kevin’s, as did the bag. He felt bad and gave me a Chinatown knock off he bought with a loose top for $8. The band managed to save a couple hundred dollars flying air Kuwait to get home. We soon realized what the trade off was. I kept explaining that I was in a band with the longhaired guy behind me. They took some clay pipes that I dug up off the Thames with the magnificent Chris Tipton, a man who looks like the short guy from “Peep Show” and talks like Ricky Gervais. He was a Londoner, a great historian and promoter that descended from the north. He seemed more at home in the countryside where he showed us poor man's Stone Hedge and various pubs tucked in the hills behind a taping of “Last Of The Summer's Wine”. It was a good year.
Tour Dates:
Feb 1st: Utica NY
February
02 Boston (JP) MA @ Deep Thoughts %
03 Providence RI @ Kristina's World %
04 Portsmouth NH @ The Red Door
06 New York NY @ Bowery Ballroom *
07 Philadelphia PA @ The Sound Hole
08 Baltimore MD @ Floristree *
March
03 Charlottesville VA @ The Southern **
04 Asheville NC @ The Orange Peel **
05 Saxapahaw NC @ The Haw River Ballroom **
06 Chattanooga TN @ JJs Bohemia **
07 Oxford MS @ Proud Larry's **
08 Baton Rouge LA @ Spanish Moon **
SxSW – announcement to come
24 Cleveland, OH @ Grog Shop*
25 Grand Rapids, MI @ Pyramid Scheme*
26 Chicago, IL @ Lincoln Hall*
27 Madison, WI @ High Noon Saloon*
28 Minneapolis, MN @ Triple Rock Social Club*
29 Fargo, ND @ The Aquarium*
31 Billings, MT @ The Rallyard*
April
01 Bozeman, MT @ The Filling Station*
02 Spokane, WA @ The Bartlett*
03 Seattle, WA @ The Crocodile*
04 Vancouver, BC @ Rickshaw Theatre*
05 Portland, OR @ Doug Fir Lounge*
06 Eugene, OR @ Cozmic Pizza*
07 Arcata, CA @ Humboldt Brews*
08 Reno, NV @ The Holland Project*
09 Santa Cruz, CA @ The Catalyst*
10 San Francisco, CA @ The Chapel* SOLD OUT
20 Phoenix, AZ @ The Crescent Ballroom*
21 El Paso, TX @ Lowbrow Palace*
22 Marfa, TX @ Padre's*
23 Austin, TX @ The Mohawk*
24 Dallas, TX @ Three Links*
25 Little Rock, AR @ Stickyz Rock'n'Roll Chicken Shack*
26 Birmingham, AL @ The Bottletree*
29 Philadelphia, PA @ First Unitarian Church*
30 New York, NY @ Webster Hall*
May
01 Washington, DC @ 9:30 Club*
07 London, UK @ Electric Ballroom*
08 Manchester, UK @ Sound Control*
10 Brighton, UK @ The Great Escape*
14 Munster, DE – Gleis 22*
17 Hannover, DE – Cafe Glocksee*
18 Dresden, DE – Beatpol*
19 Leipzig, DE – Conne Island*
20 Nurnberg, DE – K4*
21 St. Gallen, SUI – Palace*
22 Luzern, SUI – Sudpol*
23 Offenbach, DE – Hafen 2*
25 Koln, DE – Gebaude 9*
26 Munchen, DE – Feierwerk*
28 Wien, AUT – Flex*
* w/ Future Island
** w/ Future Islands & Wye Oak
% w/ Ski Mask
