Toe Sucker Story

Snafu

snafu toe

OK. Here's the photo to start it. It will be explained later. Forgive the blurriness. Ruminate on it for a second and an explanation will come presently.

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Here's a song to play during the reading of the piece: Ennio Morricone, “Cavallina A Cavello”

We just got off tour with Del the Funkee Homosapien and Devin The Dude and had a gig booked at a club somewhere in LA. Can't remember where. Oh well. Either way, the gig was fucked up and we left rather than performing there. So some of our friends in L.A. Decided to have a little house party instead. Unbeknownst to us, a friend's friend was coming who had a penchant for toes.

An older lady.

With a smile, she announced to us that she threw up in the parking lot when she arrived in the apartment. A hellcat. Definitely an older lady. There was one hot chick in the room but the bearded, Persian version of that dude from Entourage already got to her despite our best efforts. So… Back to our Panther – passed out on the kitchen floor where the dog would eat. She wakes up and heads to the bathroom. A minute later she returns with this announcement: “I knew this was a bachelor pad because while I was throwing up, there were shit stains in the toilet rim…. No, no. Don't get me wrong. They were lovable shit stains.” Then, she moved back to the kitchen.

“I advise you not to eat anything in there – old food,” the house-owner, Nima, said.

“I want some chicken,” she replied.

“Poison,” he retorted.

“I just want to rummage,” she said as she dug into the chicken. A true wild child at heart. Caution thrown to the wind! Using verbs fit for the homeless!

The bearded persian had already won the pretty girl and consequently the night as well. Making out in closets and kitchens and every 6th grade make-out location you can think of. The bastard. Nice guy though.

After eating poison chicken our subject returns to find Baje passed out on a couch. She said she wanted to do perverted things to him. We told her she couldn't and he was a nearly-married man. We settled on letting her attempt to suck his toes while he was passed out. “But he'll probably wake up and bear-claw me!” was her concern. “Very possible” we reassured her. Everything happened as expected and before a toe could even enter our heroine's mouth, Baje awoke in a bear-clawing motion. Dejection.

I offered my foot as a consolation, in a three part gesture. One: as a 2nd place prize. Two: so as to keep the party going. Three: mere curiosity.

After the sock came off she proclaimed the smell to be “Yeasty!” and zealously dug right in. Cameras came out. Again, there was an age/time/space difference between us and her and she apparently did not know what an iPhone was: “Why is everyone pointing metal rectangles at me?”

I think the party might have gotten weird then. Everything was winding down and those still left were watching a strange intimate moment. Feet are nasty. Not my thing. But this wasn't so bad. I started feeling weirder yet as I realized it was mildly turning me on. The party had to be stopped. No one wanted anything to go there. So it did. People went home. End scene.

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