aol.com: “I live way out in the suburbs, perhaps not in my mother’s basement, but she is very close by. My favorite shirt is from the Hard Rock Cafe. I’m desperately afraid to try new things, in life, at work, and in bed. I do not own a smartphone and I’m going to make you set up my Grandma’s Jitterbug on our second date. Being asked to press 2 for espanol infuriates me, and you can expect three out of every five messages I send to be requests for you to sign a forwarded petition making it illegal for anyone born in Hawaii to be president.”
hotmail.com: “The very first time I used the internet, I saddled up my horse and rode it down to the public library and the nice lady there helped me set up this account. I have dial up at home now, though, so I get online three times a week. Odds are that your email will go into my spam folder, if you are foolish enough to respond to this message. I can’t send you a pic because I can’t figure out how to scan them in. I joined Facebook six months ago to look at pictures of my high school reunion. I am wearing stone-washed jeans.”
yahoo.com: This might say, “I just haven’t gotten around to setting up a Gmail account yet because I’ve been with my significant other for more than two years and we just broke up, an experience that has made me realize I am now really ready for a relationship that lasts forever.” Be warned, though, that it could just as likely mean, “I am a swinger and water sports enthusiast. Google this email address to see my many forum posts on these topics. You can also find me on FetLife.”
verizon.net/ comcast.com: “My wife is upstairs cooking dinner and soothing our child, who totally ruined our sex life. I just feel like she doesn’t hear me any more, you know? I’m riding out my mid-life crisis cruising Craigslist personals in the basement. She thinks I’m doing our taxes. I’d like to meet you for lunch near your office and not answer any specific questions about where I live or what my job is. If I’ve had a few beers, I cry when I masturbate. And by that I mean that this happens every day.”
mac.com: “I think you have very pedestrian taste in music. I wear non-prescription glasses, and my waist is smaller in circumference than yours. I need a lot of space. I ride my bike to the farmer’s market on the weekends before I go hiking, and I hate reality TV. I would rather fellate Steve Jobs’ corpse than go on a weekend getaway with you to a place without free wireless. StuffWhitePeopleLike.com hits me a little too close to home, and our first fight will come shortly after you beat me at Jeopardy!”
gmail.com: “I have basic literacy and an understanding of how this series of tubes works. I have an online footprint that you’ll be able to peruse without too much trouble, but don’t look for me on Google+ just because I use this email address. I want our first date to be in a bar, just like God intended. I voted for Obama. Don’t mistake these seemingly positive signs for an indication of my emotional maturity or availability, though; I’m just as elusive and shady as everyone else you’ve met online. If you can’t see me in GChat it’s because I know how to hide from you, and I’m exercising that option.”
live.com/ me.com: “I have more than one working mobile phone with me at all times, holstered to my khakis. I know how to play World of Warcraft. I work in IT security in an anonymous office complex where I’m the only one who understands what I do, so I am free to overcomplicate everything. When I say I read a lot, I mean I read a lot of Robert Heinlein and I’ve owned six copies of Ender’s Game in my lifetime. I have action figures in my home, but no children.”
This article was originally written by Ciara Flynn for Thought Catalog. You can follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.
