Impose to host five parties at Coachella better than the Guantanamo-themed one

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guantanamo coachella

The celebrity-infested desert romp known as Coachella has decided to do a few things differently this year. Besides continuing to shock us every April with new and improved old-dude-band reunions that have nothing to do with wanting to get some Christmas cash, they've changed the dates so that the festival happens every day of the year, made ecstasy pills entirely legal, and introduced a new bartering system much like Burning Man's wherein your crocheted bathing suits can be used as currency to pay for someone else's fringed moccasins.

Great. We'll be there with bells on. And tripping face, or whatever.

The big surprise from Coachella this year, however, comes from a host of unofficial after-hours events and parties that give you the option to enjoy the festival like you've never done before, mostly because you'd never had to. No doubt inspired by the controversy surrounding provocative film Zero Dark Thirty (because J. Chastain would look stunning under the hot Indio sun), Coachella has sanctioned a simulated event called The New Guantanamo (this is actually real). Always wanted to know what inhumane prison torture felt like? Meet us in the desert, we've got a few ideas about it.

Not to be upstaged, of course, Impose is sponsoring our very own Coachella parties and will be sending our reporter John Bail on the road to soak it all in and transmit dispatches from the flatlands. While we're sure you've already penned-in the Guantanamo torturefest, make sure you don't miss out on these hot events while you lax in the sun and imagine you're on spriinnnnnggg breaaaaaakkk.

  • The Accidental Racist Tent Decked out in Brad Paisley fathead decals, we've paid LL Cool J to walk around this party so everyone has at least one black friend in the crowd. Entrance is free, guns are required, all people of all races must be addressed as Mister.
  • Californication Nation Tent With the Red Hot Chili Peppers headlining this year's Coachella, we got approval from Anthony Kiedis to host a tent where you can have sex out in the open. What's that you say? You're already doing that at Coachella? Well our tent has an endless supply of baby wipes and chilled Mountain Dew. Think about it.
  • Mad (Men) Decent Tent At this afterparty, Diplo squires you away from the whole festival before it even begins in his private helicopter. He flies you back to New York, dropping you off on the rooftop of the W Hotel where the gimlets, meat plates, and extramarital affairs are free all night. You then tell your wife that “Coachella was a lot of fun” when you return home at the end of your three-day bender, never to have seen even a lick of the festivities.
  • The Knife Fight You get into a knife fight with The Knife. Whoever dies first buys everyone peyote in the afterlife.
  • SxSWxCoachella An unmarked van picks you up at your tent plot, blindfolds you, and takes you to a city that is south by southwest of Indio, California. The van leaves you there with an envelope containing only $50, two condoms, and a Twitter account. It is your job to create a viral Twitter profile in under 24 hours. (What you do with the $50 and two condoms is your prerogative.) At the end of the 24 hours, Riff Raff will come find you, tattoo your chest with a giant @ symbol, and leave you with two hits of meth and your thousands of Twitter followers. Implore them to come save you from dying of dehydration.

Join us.