Love and Other Indoor Sports Survey for 2012

Impose Automaton

The full range of modern human emotion can be found in the emoji app for iPhone.

Remember when there used to be MySpace, and everyone would do tons of copy-and-paste surveys about love and sex and whether or not they liked peanuts and every single thing? Those are still fun, so we made one up and sent it out to a bunch of writers and musicians and told them to answer however they wanted. –Eds.

Anna Barie, writer, Lyon, France

What is the best song to fall in love to?
When this kid Ross did a carefully studied lip sync and dance to EMF's “Unbelievable” for a talent contest at our middle school, I was convinced I was in love and scratched his name into my leg with a safety pin. I like how Travis from Pictureplane looks like a missing member of this band–so I would make a new cut of the video where Travis punches the dancing DJ, and then grinds his crotch onto the dude's face while he is down. That would be a love song.

What is the best song to cry about love to?
I don't know if it's the best, but when I realized my crush on Ross was unrequited, AND I couldn't go to U2's Zoo TV Tour because my mom was a bitch, I cried to Bono's bogus crooning on “One”. Looking back, maybe my mom was just trying to save me from U2's not so secret Christian agenda. Don't judge me, Mary J. Blige likes this smooth number too.

Who is your celeb crush?
Tilda Swinton. Duh.

Dylan Ettinger, musician, Bloomington, IN

What is the best song/book/movie about love?
Michael McDonald, “I Keep Forgetting”

What is the best song to fall in love to?
Chris Isaak, “Wicked Game”

What is the best song to grind to?
Notorious B.I.G, “Big Poppa”

What is the best song to 69 to?
Ratt, “Round and Round”

What is the best song to break up to?
Limp Bizkit, “Break Stuff”

What is the best song to cry about love to?
Bob Dylan, “Boots of Spanish Leather”

Who is your celeb crush?
Mary Steenburgen

Who is your everyday life crush?
My girlfriend (boring answer)

Where do you take a date?
Chipotle.

Why do boys and/or girls have crushes on you?
Rugged masculinity or something? confidence?

Why do you think humans fall in love?
Combination of urge to reproduce, familiarity and possessive tendencies.

What is the best example of love in pop culture?
Jill and Tim Taylor from Home Improvement.

How did you learn about sex?
The Internet™

What would you tell a young, curious child about love?
“Trust no one.”

Is there someone out there for everyone?
No, there are definitely people out there who are too fucked up.

Nora Dabdoub, booking and promo for Shea Stadium, Brooklyn, NY

What is the best song/book/movie about love?
Paris, Texas, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, The Sun Also Rises

How did you learn about sex?
HBO

Is there someone out there for everyone?
Maybe….nah.

Sean Stout, Terroreyes TV, Los Angeles, California

Well, me and love have a sort of a love / hate relationship. We don't really get along, but sort of tolerate each other for short periods of time and always wind up at the same parties. I have had a theory that love is actually bi-polar and slightly delusional, but would never bring that up to its face. Normally we just don't get along when we are around other people. If we kick it and listen to music or make stuff or whatever, then everything is fine. It's just in the group settings where love starts acting out and being a total jerk. Anyways, I hope love doesn't read this. Although I'm sure love already knows how I feel, soooo….

What is the best song/book/movie about love?
I Saw The Devil

What is the best song to fall in love to?
King Fantastic, “Stop Fucking Playing”

What is the best song to grind to?
R. Kelly “Remix to Ignition” (DUH…)

What is the best song to 69 to?
Danny Brown “I WIll”

What is the best song to tell your mom and/or dad you are getting married to?
Joy Division, “These Days”

What is the best song to tell your mom and/or dad you are getting divorced to?
Joy Division, “Disorder”

What is the best song to break up to?
King Fantastic, “Stop Fucking Playing”

What is the best song to try and convince someone not to break up with you?
Juicy J, “Paid For (Bitch I Own You)” ft. Curren$y

What is the best song to cry about love to?
Nelly, “Country Grammar” (Because nobody can cry while listening to that song… for various reasons)

Who is your celeb crush?
Avril Lavigne. And, I would no doubt be in, if she would only watch the Death Grips video I made that I keep tweeting at her…

Who is your everyday life crush?
She lives in London…

Where do you go to find a date?
I have no idea…

Where do you take a date?
I have no idea…

What do you think is the best way to ask someone on a date?
Over the internet…

Why do boys and/or girls have crushes on you?
I have no idea. It doesn't happen often. Or maybe it happens all the time and I just don't notice. Yeah, I probably just don't notice.

Why do you think humans fall in love?
Design flaw?

What is the best example of love in pop culture?
BLUE IVY CARTER!!! duh…

What is the most disgusting example of love in pop culture?
Have you seen Blue Ivy Carter?

What's up with sex?
I have no idea. It's really weird if you think about it. It's sort of like finding money on the sidewalk when you are broke. And if you have a girlfriend / boyfriend, it's sort of like being on salary, but your job kinda sucks sometimes.

How did you learn about sex?
I don't really remember… I still don't really know that much about it.

What book has the best description of love?
The Ian Curtis biography that his wife wrote.

What would you tell a young, curious child about love?
I would never corrupt a young mind with my jaded views.

Is there someone out there for everyone?
Yeah, probably.

David Halegua, writer and clothing store owner, Haddonfield, NJ

What is the best song/book/movie about love?
Madvillain, “Fancy Clown”

What is the best song to 69 to?
Sebastien Tellier, “Roche”

What is the best song to tell your mom/or dad you are getting married to?
Steely Dan, “Haitian Divorce”

What is the best song to tell your mom/or dad you are getting divorced?
Steely Dan, “Haitian Divorce”

What is the best song to break up to?
SOME BULLSHIT FRENCH SONG AT SOME BULLSHIT FRENCH CAFE IN WILLIAMSBURG

What is the best song to try and convince someone to not break up with you?
Steely Dan, “Reelin' in the Years”

What is the best album to cry about love to?
Oneohtrix Point Never, “Replica”

Who is your celeb crush?
Scarlett Johansson duh

Where do you go to find a date?
Duane Reade

What is the most disgusting example of love in pop culture?
Valentine's Day

Brian Miller, Death Bomb Arc Records, Los Angeles, CA

What is the best song about love?
Best? None. Don't soundtrack this stuff. And what the fuck are you doing planning out a 69 so meticulously for that you are choosing a song for it? Not saying that 69 doesn't happen. It does. But what 69 that was planned is any good? Gots to be a part of that whole “we're lost in flesh on a whole other level” type shit for it to make any sense, and I'm not thinking about music then. That said, if Weird Al happened to come on during a 69, I'd be stoked. Same goes for all the possible categories. Weird Al or nothing.

Who is your celeb crush?
Roseanne. Don't even need to think about that.

What's up with sex?
Makes babies and disease. I guess. I don't know. I'm a fucking test tube baby. Do you know how weird that makes living in this society?

How did you learn about sex?
USA Up All Night. For real. (ps im from Burbank)

Is there someone out there for everyone?
Yes, you.

Alex Levine, frontman for the So So Glos, Brooklyn NYC

What is the best song/book/movie about love?
What About Bob

What is the best song to fall in love to?
Al Green, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”

What is the best song to grind to?
This was the jam to grind to on N64

What is the best song to 69 to?
The Stooges, “1969”

What is the best song to tell your mom and/or dad you are getting married to?
Jimmy Soul, “If You Wanna Be Happy”

What is the best song to tell your mom and/or dad you are getting divorced to?
David Bowie, “Modern Love”

What is the best song to break up to?
Limp Bizkit, “Break Stuff”

What is the best song to try and convince someone not to break up with you?
The Kinks, “Moments”

What is the best song to cry about love to?
Aerosmith, “Cryin'”

Who is your celeb crush?
Fiona Apple

Who is your everyday life crush?
Fiona Apple

Where do you go to find a date?
Dates? You mean phoenix dactylifera? The Persian gulf for sure .

Where do you take a date?
Everywhere!

What do you think is the best way to ask someone on a date?
AOL instant message. Class.

Why do boys and/or girls have crushes on you?
Everyone has their thing.

Why do you think humans fall in love?
It's in our nature to destroy ourselves.

What is the best example of love in pop culture?
This.

What is the most disgusting example of love in pop culture?
I can't think of one at the moment, but I must mention that this man's love for refrigerators is as true as love gets.

What's up with sex?
What goes up must cum down.

How did you learn about sex?
The kids teach you in preschool in Bay Ridge.

What book has the best description of love?
The Giving Tree

What would you tell a young, curious child about love?
it goes on and on, getting harder and harder..

Is there someone out there for everyone?
Everyone is out there for everyone.

Eli Lehrhoff, musician, Brooklyn, NY

What is the best song/book/movie about love?
2 Broke GIrls. It's also the best song and movie.

What is the best song to fall in love to?
Alton an Hortense Ellis, “Why Birds Fly”

What is the best song to grind to?
The only music you can't grind to is made by children.

What is the best song to 69 to?
I always put on “My Lovin Is Digi” by Bobby Digital. I'm not sure why.

What is the best song to tell your mom and/or dad you are getting married to?
The wedding march.

What is the best song to tell your mom and/or dad you are getting divorced to?
Cyndi Lauper, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”

What is the best song to break up to?
Alicia Keys, “Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart”

What is the best song to try and convince someone not to break up with you?
I guess that Eminem song where he kills his wife.

What is the best song to cry about love to?
Ummm… “Boys Don't Cry”

Who is your celeb crush?
Do biblical figures count?

Who is your everyday life crush?
That woman on the train with whom I shared momentary eye contact and, if I'm lucky, smiled at.

Where do you go to find a date?
The airport. Laguardia works better than JFK.

Where do you take a date?
There's a really nice California Pizza kitchen downtown, and it's next to a candy store.

What do you think is the best way to ask someone on a date?
Poorly.

Why do boys and/or girls have crushes on you?
Because i have an unpleasantly large ego.

Why do you think humans fall in love?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love#Psychological_basis

What is the best example of love in pop culture?
Lesley Gore

What is the most disgusting example of love in pop culture?
Television.

What's up with sex?
Totally.

How did you learn about sex?
Around.

What book has the best description of love?
Finder by Carla Speed McNeil

What would you tell a young, curious child about love?
Good work if you can get it.

Is there someone out there for everyone?
Oh, fuck you.

Alaina Stamatis and Matthew Mann, writers who are also dating in Brooklyn, interrogate each other

“What question do you want to answer from this list?” “The 69 one's kinda funny. It would be funny if there was a song about not trying to sneeze while they were 69-ing.” “Do vaginas tickle your nose?” “No.”

“That one's just sad–and how would it even work?” (re: What is the best song to try and convince someone not to break up with you?) I think you could put on Ain't to proud to pleeeeeeeeeeeease, baby, baby, please don't leeeave me, don't you go.”

“Matthew, how'd you learn about sex?” “This one time in middle school this kid asked me how sex worked out and I told him 'You get a boner, you know what that is right? And then you put that inside the lady's vagina, and you move it around for a while, and then this white stuff comes out, and the white stuff is filled with these little swimming guys, those are called semen. Those are pretty much like the babies, well half. Then one of those, or two or however many get in, go into the egg and then you're done.' I think it weirded him out. I told him to ask his dad. He said his dad would get mad at him.”

“Would you rather be pregnant or breastfeeding?” “Neither.”

“If you could watch celebrity porn, who would you watch?” “The dog from Fraiser and the dog from The Artist.”

“What was your favorite thing we did today?” “I like that we saw Charles Dickens' letter opener. It was made of his dead cat's paw, attached to a large piece of ivory. His cat was named Bob.” (The placard beside it read that he once said there's no greater love than the love of a cat.)

“What song do you hear in your head whenever you look at my darling face?” “I don't hear songs! Do you hear songs when you look at my face?” “I get really bad songs in my head when you're around. Today I had Copacabana. Music and Passion were always in fashion at the Copaaaa we fell in luuuuuv.”

“What book has the best description of love?” “How to Disappear in America. That man loves the plight of battered women and cop killers and truly wants to help find anonymity. What about you?” “There's this one book where a girl uses a vacuum cleaner on a guy's johnson. It was called Christie Malry's Own Double-Entry.” (We looked it up.) “Wait, they made a movie?!”

“If you lived in a windowless room would you cry more?” “Probably.”

“Do you always hurt the one you love or do you always kill the thing you love?” “I once tried to hit a squirrel with a blowdart gun but I missed. Well, I actually hit it in the webbing between its legs but I felt bad. I was 12.”

Dale Eisinger, writer, Brooklyn

What is the best song/book/movie about love?
song: Antony and the Johnsons, “Cripple and the Starfish” / book: The Subterraneans by Kerouac / movie: R Kelly – Trapped in the Closet or Manhattan

What is the best song to fall in love to?
The Beatles, “Something”

What is the best song to grind to?
This.

What is the best song to 69 to?
My Chemical Romance, “Cancer” or The Modern Lovers, “I'm Straight”

What is the best song to tell your mom and/or dad you are getting married to?
Email (If gays can marry, then why can't people get married to songs?)

What is the best song to tell your mom and/or dad you are getting divorced to?
Subpoena

What is the best song to break up to?
Cursive, “Staying Alive”

What is the best song to try and convince someone not to break up with you?
Echo and the Bunnymen, “The Killing Moon”

What is the best song to cry about love to?
“Video Games”

Who is your celeb crush?
Ryan Gosling

Who is your everyday life crush?
Ryan Gosling

Where do you go to find a date?
Bazaars

Where do you take a date?
All the way.

What do you think is the best way to ask someone on a date?
Spell out “will you?” with candy bars/napalm.

Why do boys and/or girls have crushes on you?
I'm not sure they do.

Why do you think humans fall in love?
Toxins.

What is the best example of love in pop culture?
Heidi Klum and Seal

What is the most disgusting example of love in pop culture?
That guy from “Moneyball” and Lara Croft

What's up with sex?
Agreed.

How did you learn about sex?
By making it at people.

What book has the best description of love?
Plato's Symposium or Camus's The Myth of Sisyphus.

What would you tell a young, curious child about love?
Never ask yourself why. (I learned this from Ariel Pink)

Is there someone out there for everyone?
You kind of have to will it.

Amberly Hungerford, Spanish Prisoners, Brooklyn NY

What is the best song/book/movie about love?
I would say The Story of Us is my favorite love movie. Which is sort of weird considering the fact that it revolves around a couple who is in the midst of separating, but it's equal parts heart breaking and heart warming – which is exactly what I look for in a good love story.

What is the best song to fall in love to?
“First Day of my Life” by Bright Eyes.

What is the best song to break up to?
Pretty much anything by Fiona Apple, particularly her When the Pawn album. I've listened to that on repeat many a time after a break up.

What is the best song to try and convince someone not to break up with you?
Ha! If they're breaking up with you I doubt a song is going to convince them otherwise…unless you wrote it. Maybe.

Who is your celeb crush?
Joseph Gordon Levitt. I've loved him since his 3rd Rock from the Sun/10 Things I Hate About You days.

Where do you go to find a date?
Anywhere but bars. I found my current boyfriend at the library, which is adorable.

Where do you take a date?
I love the dinner and a movie thing as long as it's not a pretentious “I'll have the fois gras and I can't wait to see this Hungarian documentary” sort of thing. If I were just getting to know someone I would want them to take me to their favorite bar/restaurant/record store/falafel stand/book store/whatever. As Rob Gordon (High Fidelity) says, “It's not what you're like, it's what you like.” Bonus points if you tip well.

What do you think is the best way to ask someone on a date?
Just be direct! Life would be so much easier if everyone was honest with each other. “Hey, you seem great. Do you wanna grab coffee sometime?” No one can say no to that. I also think really terrible pick-up lines are hilarious, so I think anyone who has the balls to use them deserves my time.

Why do boys and/or girls have crushes on you?
Because I'm friendly and direct. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and a good smile help a lot too.

Why do you think humans fall in love?
I think everyone wants someone to connect with and turn to. You crave having someone that has your back 100% and who you know will be there for you through good and bad. It's just an extension of your family that you have control over.

What is the best example of love in pop culture?
I think the Obama's are great. They support each other, they communicate well, they're affectionate. I love 'em. I also love to see Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale together. Plus, their kids are so freakin' cute!

What is the most disgusting example of love in pop culture?
Gah. I think the Kardashians are everyone's first example, but I would also say any couple who got together from The Bachelor/Bachelorette series…or any reality TV for that matter.

How did you learn about sex?
Actually at a sleep-over when I was probably 7 or 8. We were having a camp out in the back yard and my best friends older sister explained the ins and outs (pun intended).

What book has the best description of love?
I'd say Anna Karenina by Tolstoy. I much prefer the Kitty/Kostya relationship to the Anna/Vronsky craziness, but that's probably just me.

What would you tell a young, curious child about love?
That it's like getting to play with your best friend every day.

Is there someone out there for everyone?
I don't think so actually. I'm a firm believer in having to love yourself before someone else can love you and there's a lot of self-hatred out there. Why would anyone else want to be around that? You need to be able contribute as much to a relationship as you hope to get out of it.

Nimai and Taraka Larson of Prince Rama, Brooklyn NY

What is the best song/book/movie about love?
LION KING

What is the best song to fall in love to?
Hanson, “Where's the Love”

What is the best song to grind to?
Enya, “Orinoco Flow”

What is the best song to 69 to?
Seal, “Fly like an Eagle”

What is the best song to tell your mom and/or dad you are getting divorced to?
The Vines, “Get Free”

What is the best song to break up to?
Blink 182, “Dammit”

What is the best song to try and convince someone not to break up with you?
Lulu (the whole album) by Lou Reed and Metallica

What is the best song to cry about love to?
Black Sabbath, “Sweet Leaf”

Who is your celeb crush?
Moses

Who is your everyday life crush?
Lee Hazlewood

Where do you go to find a date?
The Oscars

Where do you take a date?
Clubbin on Second Life

What do you think is the best way to ask someone on a date?
Get a tattoo of their name and show it to them

Why do boys and/or girls have crushes on you?
See Missy Elliott: “This is why This is why This is why I'm hott…”

Why do you think humans fall in love?
Same reason we die.

What is the best example of love in pop culture?
Breyer P. Orridge

What is the most disgusting example of love in pop culture?
Facebook

What's up with sex?
What's down with sex?

How did you learn about sex?
Nike ads.

What book has the best description of love?
Tibetan Book of the Dead.

What would you tell a young, curious child about love?
JUST DO IT.

Is there someone out there for everyone?
Definitely not.

Greg Fox, musician (GDFX, Guardian Alien) Brooklyn, NY

What is the best song to grind to?
“Too Close (You're Making It Hard For Me)”, by Next (playing S.O.B.'s on march 7 BTW)

Who is your everyday life crush?
Alex Drewchin

Where do you go to find a date?
Shea Stadium

Where do you take a date?
Cong Ly

What's up with sex?
DNA is a real trickster

Is there someone out there for everyone?
For everyone who wants someone, yes.

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