Finding holes in the Love Boat

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w/ Explosions in the Sky, Grouper, Ducky
You can't hold hands at this crisp electic guitar jam sesh unless you wear dunks and a purple backpack that says NYU on it.
Price: $19,672 per semester
Rating: 1 weed leaf
w/ Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show
The only real bummer in attending the Westminster Dog Show on Valentine's Day is that all of the good breeds are actually competing the day before: the Bulldogs, the Sheepdogs, the Poodles, the Chow Chows, the Japanese Chins, the Shar-Peis, the 13- and the 15-inch Beagles… We could go on and on listing cute animals that you'll only have a chance to see stand on two legs and then jump through an appropriately-sized hoop on Feburary 13.
Sure you'd get to see terriers on the 14th, but only on the 13th would you get to see the Silky Toy Terriers! And if you went on Valentine's Day, there'd be no mention of the Bichon Frises!
Best case scenario is to forget the show altogether and just follow @wkcdogs: did you know that Louis Dobermann, who desired a medium size dog to perform as a guard dog as well as a pal, was a tax collector?? Did you?
Price: $45
Rating: 2 dog weeds
w/ Foreigner Acoustique: The Classics Unplugged (cancelled)
Foreigner in 2012 is Mick Jones (not Mick Jones from the Clash, Mick Jones from Foreigner!) with a guy who used to be in Dio, a guy who recently played keyboards for Aerosmith, and a guy who toured with Linda Perry, all fronted by a guy who used to be in a band called Hurricane with a guy who is a biological brother to the dudes in Quiet Riot. Foreigner's original singer Lou Gramm had left a while ago to record “Midnight Blue” (not the ELO one, ELO sings that).
So why was this scheduled? Is there an acoustic hit by Foreigner? Maybe they have one that people who like Foreigner know about. But then why the cancellation? Was Town Hall unaware of these bandmate substitutions? Or did they finally sit down to watch recent youtubes of Foreigner “acoustique” to see the substitute singer playing egg maracas and decide that un oeuf is enough?!
Of course, this show isn't really canceled; it was called off at Town Hall because of “illness” and will instead occur in New Jersey at the Bergen PAC!
Price: tickets refunded through Ticketmaster
Rating: 1 ghost weed
w/ Barry Manilow (cancelled)
This is one of those intimate evenings wherein if the venue paid for my dinner, sent a limo, and unflappably refreshed my Tanqueray & tonics without a hint of discretion, I would definitely attend and forgo any possible erotic Valentine's night. Drunk, sliding around on a buoyant, lush, red cushioned seat with 6,000 other white women who were also born in South Brooklyn, all of whom swaying and singing along to “Mandy” and cheering whenever the Shadow Man came out in a different cyan suit. And if I asked them they'd say that they were in fact having an erotic experience because Barry is so gorgeous and sexy and makes such funny facial expressions with his taut cheeks and creaseless wide eyes, leaping across the concert hall and telling his full orchestra just what it was like at the Copacabana.
Price: tickets refunded through Ticketmaster
Rating: 3 ghost weeds
w/ Babycastles: Do You Love Me? Lectures on Issues of Gender and Love.
Everyone has a work crush because everybody gets horny at different intervals throughout their boring day, and that crotch-throbbing needs to be geared toward someone (because otherwise it'll be geared toward something like a paper towel roll or a squishy filter of old coffee grinds). But when your work crush turns out to be a super complicated, interesting person, you might start thinking about her when you're in line at the Korean grocer or hanging out with people whom you know in real life. And worst of all, she's your company's programmer for their web stuff, and you don't know anything about that!
Never fear! There is a free lecture for you. Despite the title (“lectures on issues of gender and love”) which may lead you to believe that it's not just a bunch of eloquent nerds telling really good jokes about finding love through role-playing games, it is in fact, just that. And if you're mysterious coworker spends as much time at a computer as her job requires, she probably spends just as much time on her own computer at home, looking for love in RPG places.
Look for the Forget Me Not game cabinet! And LARP love, not war.
Price: $donation
Rating: 4 weed leaves
w/ Telepathe, No Bra, Twin Gemz
In winter, women increasingly employ the “mermaid test” to determine whether they need to wear a bra; if your hair is long enough to cover your nips (the length Disney's Ariel had when she washed ashore) then a brasierre is only as necessary as a toe ring.
For Valentine's Day, the new Secret Project in Bushwick offers a lady-friendly lounge with soft lighting and wine spritzers adorned with toothpick umbrellas, courtesy of Pleasure Craft (if you google Pleasure Craft, you're lead to an eastern European website hosting videos of three-way kissing by willing women). For music there is Telepathe, which is two gals with nice haircuts wearing sunglasses and playing electronic dance-pop with “ooooooo”ing and “aaaaaah”ing, and No Bra, inventor of experimental nude-slam, and the mermaid test.
Price: $5?
Rating: 3 weed leaves
People get really sad around the holidays, lotta suicides, people slipping on ice, people forgetting to call their grandparents; if you text someone “come over,” they don't write back because it's cold. Sugarland is whole-heartedly prepared to crush all of those mopey feelings with spiked stilettos and film it, put it on Youtube, and then stream it on their phones until they climax. The Sugarland crew loves dancing, makeup, and good times, so for Valentine's Day they're creating a soft, warm spot for single people to drink and be Mary with $6 martinis.
JHVH (Jehovah) plays at midnight and then everybody in the club gets a free shot.
Price: FREE
Rating: 3 weed leaves

w/ Lea Bertucci, Heather Bregman, Katie Dean, Jake Dibeler, Alex Drewchin, Alaina Stamatis
Now I know what you're thinkin': Hey, isn't that unpronounceable name on the end of that list there the same long name as the author of this post? To which I'll respond: Good eye.
On Valentine's Day, some accomplished associates and I will be teaching a human mating dance in Ridgewood, Queens. If Valentine's Day is a second or third date with someone you're having good feelings about, bring 'em over; and if the uncomforatble abstract voiceover, experimental grinding, pressure-point-slicing musicial accompaniment, crumbled chocolate, dripping lotion, and makeup-smearing tears are too much for your date to handle, you'll be able to offer them the solace of your crotch.
Price: $donation
Rating: 8 weed leaves